IT’S ME PAT [Verse 1] There’s a man about twenty foot five With ginger hair and a corporate mind He wakes up every morning with a brand-new plan To optimize the optimizing of the optimization plan Got twenty spreadsheets open at once And a business pitch prepared for lunch If there’s a problem, Pat’s got three solutions And a PowerPoint of a talking dog for the execution [Pre-Chorus] He ain’t scared of a little debate In fact that’s how he relaxes after eight Hours of meetings and productivity Then he comes home and argues recreationally [Chorus] OHHHH it’s me Pat Tall as a redwood, loud as a gatling gat CEO energy flowing through his veins Turning random dog walkerson thoughts into product names It’s me fucking Pat Built like a flagpole wearing a baseball cap If there’s an argument within a million miles Pat’s already there with charts and a smile [Verse 2] He’ll hear your opinion and respectfully nod Then spend forty minutes explaining why you’re wrong Not because he’s mean, not because he’s mad He just genuinely thinks this conversation’s fun to have Got enough confidence for seven men Could sell a boat to a fish and sell it back to a hen Every week another side hustle — he’ll even accept foreign currency By Friday he has an empire bending the knee [Bridge] Warning: Do not ask Pat what he thinks You fool… Now you’re getting a thirty-seven minute presentation G Featuring graphs Historical references And an American flag — don’t try to stop him because he’s gonna nag [Final Chorus] OHHHH it’s me Pat The tallest ginger this side of Baghdad— wait I meant London — wait no he’s back — A corporate plant sent here to achieve Maximum efficiency and quarterly dreams It’s me Pat May your birthday be glorious you TRAD May your products launch May your profits stack And may somebody finally win One argument with Pat … not because he’s that good at arguing he just won’t stop until your fucking ears bleed And he’s not gay
