Humbug!

sad storyteller Chrismas music with sleigh bells and an angry male singer

[Verse 1]
Oh the weather outside is frightful, (Snow sucks)
And it makes me feel spiteful... (Fuckin' SNOW!)
Since through it my car won't go... (The plow cut on my driveway again!)
I shovel snow, shovel snow, shovel snow... (Fuck! Fuck! FUck!!!)

[Verse 2]
Chestnuts roasting by an open fire? (More like Chipmunks)
Who cooks those things anymore? (No one I know!)
More like pizza rolls in the microwave, (Ovens, custom kitchen delivery!)
Throw 'em in, push the button, shut the door. (Gimme more!)

[Chorus]
This isn't an "Attack on Christmas" (Or the rest!)
Or on the junk they told us growing up;(Growin' up!)
It's an attack on the bullshit trappings, (Pumpkin spice EVERYTHING!)
That go over like "Two girls, one cup!" (SO gross!)

[Verse 3]
The nights ain't silent, rarely holy, (Unless you count bullet holes!)
These days on streaming news. (Trump did WHAT?)
And even on the new media, (Let's go YouTube!)
Creators milk the holidays for views... (Well, shit...)

[Verse 4]
Jingle Bells, the holidays smell, (Like pine trees!)
As lonely adults, this we beg! (Please Stop!)
Quit trying to sell us christmastime, (We're broke!)
And stop pullin' our collective legs. (It's all crap!)

[Spoken outro]
I ain't got nothing against you enjoying yours...
But why shove it down everyones throats, even behind closed doors?
Not everyone has that Christmas spirit, every single year...
So why try to force 'em into it? They just might disappear.
[News reporter: "Seasonal depression suicides rose again this year..."]

[End]

2007/7500

[Spoken intro] Y'know... The holidays are great when you're a kid. Pretty lights, pretty snow, lots of presents, good food... But once you grow up? Working... debts... crappy Christmas tunes in every corner of everysingle place you go...? Bah, humbug! [Verse 1] Oh the weather outside is frightful, (Snow sucks) And it makes me feel spiteful... (Fuckin' SNOW!) Since through it my car won't go... (The plow cut on my driveway again!) I shovel snow, shovel snow, shovel snow... (Fuck! Fuck! FUck!!!) [Verse 2] Chestnuts roasting by an open fire? (More like Chipmunks) Who cooks those things anymore? (No one I know!) More like pizza rolls in the microwave, (Ovens, custom kitchen delivery!) Throw 'em in, push the button, shut the door. (Gimme more!) [Chorus] This isn't an "Attack on Christmas" (Or the rest!) Or on the junk they told us growing up;(Growin' up!) It's an attack on the bullshit trappings, (Pumpkin spice EVERYTHING!) That go over like "Two girls, one cup!" (SO gross!) [Verse 3] The nights ain't silent, rarely holy, (Unless you count bullet holes!) These days on streaming news. (Trump did WHAT?) And even on the new media, (Let's go YouTube!) Creators milk the holidays for views... (Well, shit...) [Chorus] This isn't an "Attack on Christmas" (Or the rest!) Or on the junk they told us growing up;(Growin' up!) It's an attack on the bullshit trappings, (Pumpkin spice EVERYTHING!) That go over like "Two girls, one cup!" (SO gross!) [Verse 4] Jingle Bells, the holidays smell, (Like pine trees!) As lonely adults, this we beg! (Please Stop!) Quit trying to sell us christmastime, (We're broke!) And stop pullin' our collective legs. (It's all crap!) [Spoken outro] I ain't got nothing against you enjoying yours... But why shove it down everyones throats, even behind closed doors? Not everyone has that Christmas spirit, every single year... So why try to force 'em into it? They just might disappear. [News reporter: "Seasonal depression suicides rose again this year..."] [End]

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