[Verse 1] Blue lights flashing in my rearview glass, I pulled right over — well, eventually, I guess. He walked to my window, said, “Know why you’re stopped?” I said, “If you don’t know, why’d you pull me off?” He stared for a second, wrote something down, That’s when I should’ve quit while I was still in town. But my mouth hit the gas while my brain hit the brakes— Here’s a little list of mistakes you don’t make. [Chorus] Things you don’t say to a cop, When you’re sitting on the side of the road: “Don’t you have real criminals Somewhere you oughta go?” “My taxes pay your salary!” “Bet that badge makes you feel tall!” If you’re trying to leave with just a warning— Don’t say none of that at all. [Verse 2] He said, “License and registration, please.” I said, “You first — I’d like to see your ID.” He said, “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?” I said, “Nope, but apparently you do, so we’re both knowing.” Then I asked, “Was I the fastest one you could find?” “‘Cause three cars passed me about a mile behind.” He took off his glasses, gave me that look— Like he’d heard every chapter in the idiot book. [Chorus] Things you don’t say to a cop, When you’re sitting on the side of the road: “I thought you had to be in shape To wear that uniform.” “Is that radar even legal?” “Can’t you go arrest my wife?” If you’re trying to leave with just a warning— You’re doing a terrible job tonight. [Verse 3] He said, “Sir, have you had anything to drink?” I said, “Why? You buying? What’d you have in mind?” He closed his eyes and rubbed his head, I should’ve stopped — but here’s what I said: “Could you hurry? There’s a game on at nine.” “Is there a discount if I pay this thing on time?” Then I smiled and said, “Before we go too far— Wanna race me back to your patrol car?” [Instrumental Break — Banjo/Fiddle] [Bridge] There’s a time to be funny, There’s a time to be smart, There’s a time when your mouth And your brain need to part. When those blue lights are flashing, Here’s some free advice from me: Roll down the window, Keep your hands where they’re seen, Be decent, be respectful… And don’t try your new comedy routine. [Final Chorus] Things you don’t say to a cop, When you’re sitting on the side of the road: “Bet you won’t catch me twice!” “That’s the fastest this thing’ll go!” “Can I hold your radar gun?” “Can you make that siren squall?” If you’re hoping that he’s writing you a warning— DON’T. SAY. NONE. OF. THAT. AT. ALL. [Outro] He handed me the ticket, Said, “Have yourself a good night.” I said, “So… does this mean I won the argument?” He turned around and walked away. And I swear… I saw that officer smile.
