[Verse 1] I’ll verbally bruise you, use you, confuse you, abuse you, leave every journalist clueless, this dude bought a tube of glue and somehow turned it into a political movement. Woke up feeling fantastic, made some toast, brushed my teeth, did gymnastics, thought I’d finally become less dramatic, turn my whole life around today, hey, Michelle, hope everything’s going well, I mailed you an empty cardboard box marked “extremely fragile” just to ruin your day. Wait, hold on, I’m improving, new attitude, gratitude, positive movement, bought a plant, watered it twice, gave it a name, now we’re emotionally connected for life. I’m mature now, look at the progress, organized drawers, even folded my socks, yes, then I alphabetized every item in the fridge and got pissed when the ketchup refused to cooperate. [Hook] Beautiful day, everything’s great, sun in my face, got a smile on my face, nothing could possibly ruin my mood, unless somebody talks, then I’m blaming it on you. Wonderful life, wonderful place, birds in the trees and the clouds look great, I’m calm, collected, mentally straight... Wait. Who moved my plate? [Verse 2] Oh, hi Felicity, sorry about the electricity, I plugged twelve toasters in simultaneously just to test the building’s electrical stability. Apparently that lacked simplicity, now the landlord’s questioning my eligibility, said, “You can’t keep doing this indefinitely,” I said, “Technically, that sounds like negativity.” See, I’m peaceful, reasonable, rational, practically internationally admirable, I only started arguing with a mannequin because its facial expression looked sarcastical. That’s not a word? Fine. Grammatical accident, habitual paragraph vandalism, syllables ricochet, bounce off the cabinets, I’m battling appliances now, somebody handle this. [Rapid] I’m rapidly stacking a package of adjectives, cramming ’em backwards in passages, damaging patterns and grammar, then casually asking why everybody’s staring like something just happened. Nothing happened. Give me another beat. [Verse 3] You think I’m losing the plot? I never had one, so technically not, walked into a shop for a bottle of pop, came out with a mop and a grandfather clock. Don’t ask. I don’t know either. The cashier said, “Sir, you forgot your receipt.” Keep it. Frame it. Put it in a museum beside my achievements, caption underneath: “Man buys absolutely nothing he needed.” Then I’m back on the microphone, acting like I own the throne, boasting so hard I accidentally roast myself halfway through the sentence and leave myself alone. I’m incredible, brilliant, unbeatable, gifted... Actually, scratch that. I just spent twenty minutes looking for glasses that were sitting on my face. [Hook] Beautiful day, everything’s great, sun in my face, got a smile on my face, nothing could possibly ruin my mood, unless somebody breathes slightly louder than usual. Wonderful life, wonderful place, flowers are blooming, I’m feeling okay, peace and serenity filling my brain... Hey, who parked there? Move that thing. [Verse 4] I’ll verbally bruise you, confuse you, abuse you, reduce you, turn one stupid rumor into twelve different news crews arguing live over who misunderstood who. Tube of glue, breaking news, ten-page article, eighty-two views, somebody posts it, somebody disputes it, three hours later there’s a documentary about it. I shouldn’t say this... Actually, forget it. I already started the sentence, might as well wreck it. I’m professionally reckless with sentence mechanics, stretching phonetics till language needs medical attention. Wait... Where was I going with this? No clue. Anyway... [Outro] Woke up feeling fantastic, made some toast, brushed my teeth, did gymnastics, promised myself I’d become less dramatic... Then argued with the toaster. It knows what it did. [End]
