[INTRO – SPOKEN (LIVE) • crowd roar] FATTYFOOT: Alright, alright—listen up! PIP: (whisper) Oh no. FATTYFOOT: It’s chilly today… so I brought something warm. PIP: (big) BWOOM! [VERSE 1 – SUNG (boogie)] FATTYFOOT: When I was a wee lass, small as a mug, I wanted magic—no, I wanted the whole damn jug. I practiced in mirrors, I practiced in rain, Waving a stick like it owed me a flame. Folks said “Fattyfoot, be sensible, please,” I said “Sensible? I’m here for degrees.” PIP (backing, playful): (woo!) Degrees! (hee!) Degrees! [PRE-CHORUS – SUNG] FATTYFOOT: So if you see me shiver, don’t worry at all, I’ve got a trick that’ll heat up the hall… PIP: (SFX) fwoooosh! [CHORUS – SUNG (big hook)] BOTH: Fattyfoot’s Great Big Balls! (Fire balls!) (PIP: BOOM-BOOM!) Fattyfoot’s Great Big Balls! (Fire balls!) (PIP: KABOOM!) Tasteful, helpful, strictly arcane, If it’s cold in the tavern, I’ll warm up your brain! Step back, stand tall, don’t act appalled— They’re FIRE balls, y’all! [VERSE 2 – SUNG (story)] FATTYFOOT: Then I grew up a bit, hit the road on my own, Traveling far where the weird seeds are sown. I walked to a clearing and what did I see? Trouble and drama, waiting for me. A demon was snarling, all smoke and teeth, And a wizard named Big Harry, sweating beneath. Big Harry yelled “BEHOLD!” with a dramatic pose, Then cast… wet socks… right on the demon’s toes. PIP: (SFX, silly) splat! (tiny) squish-squish! FATTYFOOT: The demon clapped back with a wicked little loop, And I swear by my vest—he cast reverse poop. The air went wrong, the forest went “UGH,” Big Harry gagged like “that’s quite enough!” PIP (backing): (ew!) (EW!) (ew!) (EW!) [VERSE 2B – SUNG (the fail)] FATTYFOOT: I tried to be heroic—“I’ll help! I’ll be bold!” I grabbed a mighty rock like a legend retold. I hurled it with thunder—my moment of fame— Critical failure… I missed my aim. [HIT – SFX] PIP: (SFX) BONK! FATTYFOOT: Right in Big Harry’s head. He dropped. He died. Instantly. Like—done. PIP: (quiet) …You killed the wizard. FATTYFOOT: I did. [PRE-CHORUS – SUNG (ominous/funny)] FATTYFOOT: The demon blinked twice, then started to grin, Like “Well, hello champion… welcome in.” PIP: (SFX) dun-dun-DUN! [VERSE 3 – SUNG (the package)] FATTYFOOT: That’s when he stood taller, the shadows all plus, “Zarx Bromplepus,” he said, “Demon King—trust.” He claimed me his champion, stamped me his brand, Handed me a bundle in my trembling hand: A nasty black weapon, two weird little lackeys, Coupons for the spa (with volcanic hot scrubbies), A cloak that smelled like brimstone and cologne, And a scroll that hummed like a wasp on a throne. PIP (backing): Spa coupons?! (what?) Demon spa?! (HUH!) FATTYFOOT: He said, “You serve me now—go raise the alarm.” I said, “Do I get dental?” He said, “You get fire.” PIP: (SFX) FWOOSH! [CHORUS – SUNG (bigger, with your lines)] BOTH: Step right up, come one, come all, I got balls for days, rain down from the skies, Set the halls ablaze—hear the whole place bawl! Get down, on your knees and crawl (TAKE COVER, SURVIVE!) You’re too late… I cast fireball! PIP (explosion stack): (BOOM!) (KABOOM!) (BA-BOOOOM!) [BRIDGE – SPOKEN/CHANT (live)] FATTYFOOT: Now listen—before anyone faints, These are FIRE balls. Very scientific. Very mean. PIP: Very… round. CROWD: (chant) BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! PIP: (SFX) wicka—BOOM! wicka—BOOM! FATTYFOOT: Big Harry, I’m sorry—rest in peace, my dude. Zarx, keep your coupons. I’ll keep the attitude. [FINAL CHORUS – SUNG (last, loudest)] BOTH: Step right up, come one, come all, I got balls for days, rain down from the skies, Set the halls ablaze—watch your bravado fall! Get down, on your knees and crawl (DON’T BE A HERO, DIVE!) You’re too late… I cast fireball! PIP (SFX): FWOOSH—KRAK—BOOOOM! (chicken-sizzle) tssss! [OUTRO – SPOKEN (crowd cheering)] FATTYFOOT: Thank you! Tip your bartenders! PIP: And tip your wizards… preferably NOT with rocks!
