The Thornwood Bar Brawl

[(Sung by Elbrekt Elkhart at breakneck speed, voice cracking with glee, lute already missing two strings from the last brawl)] [Verse 1] It started with a spilled ale, a glare, a muttered “watch your tongue,” Then someone’s fist met someone’s nose and the whole damn night went wrong! The Barbarian flipped the longest bench, the Wizard screamed “HOLD STILL!” And lobbed a Thunderwave that blew the roof clean off the hill! [Verse 2] The Thief vaulted the bar for safety, landed in the cider vat, Came up roaring drunk and swinging a keg—he flattened three like that! The Cleric turned the holy wine to raging elementals red, They punched holes through the walls and chased the bouncers overhead! [Chorus (shouted, not sung—tankards used as cymbals)] CRASH! BANG! The Thornwood’s gone mad tonight! SMASH! THROW! The ceiling’s taking flight! Tables sail, the rafters fail, the ale rains from the sky— If you’re still breathing, keep on swinging, We’ll sort the dead out by and by! HEY-HO, DUCK LOW, HERE COMES ANOTHER CHAIR— THE THORNWOOD BRAWL DON’T CARE! [Verse 3] I called the Ancients’ sacred wrath to calm the bloody fray, Got a thornstorm in a whirlwind that shredded half the place! Vines grabbed legs, arms, beards, and bards, tied us all in knots, Then dragged us through the fireplace—twice—while the cauldron boiled our socks! [Verse 4] The dwarf got launched by his own axe, ricocheted off three walls, Came down inside the bagpipes—now the pipes scream when he falls! The barmaid surfed a flying door, wielding a leg of lamb, Knocked out a dozen mercenaries and declared herself the cham’! [Chorus (faster, half the crowd airborne)] CRASH! BANG! The Thornwood’s gone berserk! SMASH! ROAR! The floor just left to work! Chandeliers dive, nobody’s alive who remembers why we fight— Keep your fists up, your wits down, We’re redecorating tonight! HEY-HO, LET GO, THE ROOF JUST SAILED AWAY— THE THORNWOOD BRAWL WON’T OBEY! [Verse 5] The dragonborn sneezed lightning, set the thatch and all our hair alight, We beat the flames out with the minstrels—sorry lads, wrong night! The cook rode in on a greased pig, swinging pans like morningstars, The pig slipped free, took out the kegs—now we’re drowning in the bar! [Verse 6] When dawn crawled in through broken beams and found us in a stack, The tavern was a crater and the crater answered back. We woke up bruised, confused, half-dressed, buried under chairs and cheer, Counted zero dead, a hundred legends, and twice the gold in beer! [Final Chorus (what’s left of the tavern screams it from the rubble)] CRASH! BANG! The Thornwood’s gone to war! SMASH! FALL! There ain’t no roof no more! We lost three walls, the fourth one crawls, the bar’s now in the stream— But we’re all still here, soaked in beer, Living the tavern dream! HEY-HO, GODS KNOW, WE’LL BUILD IT ALL ANEW— AND WE’LL BREAK IT AGAIN BY TWO!