[Sung, melodic vocals only] But above all, more than anything, and most of all, I apologise for not being on time! Because there is great art in my lateness, without my working at it much. Which has absolutely nothing to do with my parents, poor things! Because in my family, being on time is sacred! Engraved in our DNA. Mum has the time in her head, with built-in alarms, a clock projected on the ceiling, winter time, summer time. She's got every option. She's infallible, unbeatable. Nothing can happen to her. Everything runs like clockwork, she's the conductor of the time zones. Her secret? Respect for timetables! My mother's greatest stress isn't jumping off a train, or a boat, no, that she can handle! It's not knowing what time it is! It's hereditary. She gets it from my grandfather, half Alsatian, half Swiss. Punctuality is the politeness of kings, and our family silver, handed down from generation to generation, the universal law that governs life. Everything revolves around solar time. Impossible to live outside temporal gravity. Without a timed atmosphere, everything goes to pot. The secret of her power? An enormous heart! She adores people. Has everyone round to hers, takes care of everything and everyone, protects her family and loved ones, like a lioness with her cubs. She lives by heroic values: fights for what matters, family, work, balance, adventure, excellence and surpassing yourself. A perfectionist, she does everything with talent. A touch controlling, she reassures and protects. Her tiller for holding course? Always the happy medium! Critical mind and down-to-earth common sense, humour and self-mockery, love and control. Before I was born, Mum went through nine months of pregnancy, all shipshape! I was so calm she didn't have a single contraction. And then BOOM! Ten days late! For the first and last time in her life! The doctor still remembers that beautiful brunette with green eyes and a thunderbolt gaze, a dazzling smile, perfect proportions, always impeccable, even after a marathon… A woman who superbly ignores anyone telling her how to behave, and charges into action with the energy of ten men. And her voice! A megaphone that drowns everyone out. A modern Athena who turns his surgery into an arena the moment she walks in. Impossible to forget her! Or to resist her charm. Ten days late, Doctor! Do you realise! I've done everything you told me… Nothing! So I jumped off tables to bring on the labour… Nothing! This can't go on, Doctor! It can't go on any longer! If you don't step in right now, I'll deal with it myself! So do something, but above all, do it fast! With the delay she's built up, this little one, she'll never be on time! It's unacceptable, Doctor! Because of your negligence, I'll have to be on her back all the time to remind her of the time! Thank goodness I've got the time in my head to make up for her lateness! And to think I thought France was a great country! Run by incompetents, more like! So, to shut her up, they put her under. A dose fit for a horse, to avoid any risk. They needed silence to stay focused, without her stepping in to supervise the operation. So I was born by caesarean, ten days overdue. I was nice and warm, quietly in my hammock watching the hummingbirds, when all of a sudden… two giant gloves pulled me out of my dream. And then… nothing! An icy cold. An existential void. I had the most almighty panic attack! Apocalypse Now, only worse. A real nightmare! Imagine, Mum slept for twenty-four hours!
