I got kicked out of a wedding for applauding the divorce rate Told the groom, “Congratulations, buddy, statistically you’re fucked” He said, “You seem familiar,” I said, “I used to have your haircut” And a woman in a bridesmaid dress just laughed and filled my cup By the second round of speeches I was everyone’s best friend By the third I was explaining why the dinosaurs deserved their end By the fourth I had convinced a guy named Steven from Nebraska That the moon was just a publicity stunt by NASA And I don’t even believe that shit But Steven looked so happy when he finally understood it Sometimes all a man requires is a fascinating lie And a complete misunderstanding of the objects in the sky Oh, somebody confiscate my common sense I haven’t found a single fucking use for it since The world’s too strange to keep a straight face We’re just horny little skeletons in an expensive place So pour another round for the beautifully confused For the ones who lose their minds but never quite lose their groove If this is all there is, then I’m having a ball Making absolutely nothing make sense at all I met a woman who believed in reincarnation Said she’d been a Roman emperor in a previous incarnation I said, “That’s fascinating, I was probably a goat” She said, “Why a goat?” I said, “I’ve never learned to float” She wanted me to read her chart and tell her what I saw I said, “Your chart says Capricorn and unpaid parking tickets” She told me Mercury was ruining her communication I said, “Have you considered having conversations?” She didn’t think that shit was funny, which is fair But neither was the price of the cocktails over there So we split a plate of nachos and debated free will While she explained that I was spiritually standing still I said, “That’s fine, I’ve got nowhere else to be” Then accidentally dipped my sleeve in the guacamole She laughed so hard she nearly fell beneath the table And for a minute life was stupid, sweet, and strangely stable Oh, somebody confiscate my common sense I haven’t found a single fucking use for it since The world’s too strange to keep a straight face We’re just horny little skeletons in an expensive place So pour another round for the beautifully confused For the ones who lose their minds but never quite lose their groove If this is all there is, then I’m having a ball Making absolutely nothing make sense at all I went outside to smoke and contemplate existence And a stranger asked me why I kept my distance I said, “I’m trying to determine if we’re real” He said, “I’m trying to determine if you stole my fucking meal” Apparently I’d taken someone’s chicken wings While discussing the philosophical significance of strings Not the theory, just the ones attached to helium balloons That somebody brought outside around half past two We watched them floating over the parking lot He said, “Those things will choke a turtle, you inconsiderate twat” I said, “I didn’t let them go, I’m innocent, I swear” He said, “Then why the fuck are you still holding ribbons over there?” And I couldn’t find a single thing to say As six fluorescent dinosaurs went drifting away I felt absurdly sad for something made of rubber And laughed until I couldn’t breathe at my own fucking blunder Maybe that’s the trick to being here You learn to love the nonsense and forgive the disappearing years You stop demanding answers from a universe that spins And start appreciating every stupid place you’ve been I lost a lot of things I thought I’d always keep Some still come and visit when I’m trying to sleep But somewhere between the nachos and the chicken wings I remembered I could still enjoy ridiculous things Oh, somebody confiscate my common sense I haven’t found a single fucking use for it since The world’s too strange to keep a straight face We’re just horny little skeletons in an expensive place So pour another round for the beautifully confused For the ones who lose their minds but never quite lose their groove If this is all there is, then I’m having a ball Making absolutely nothing make sense at all The bride found me at midnight by the vending machine Said, “You’re the strangest motherfucker that I’ve ever seen” I said, “For what it’s worth, I hope you two grow old” She said, “Thanks, but why are you eating a burrito that’s cold?” I said, “Because the microwave costs two twenty-five” She said, “That’s depressing,” I said, “It’s nice to be alive” Then somebody yelled that Steven stole the wedding cake And I have never seen a Roman emperor run away so fast
