Welcome to your evening self-care routine. You’ve had a long, exhausting day. Now we’ll breathe, stretch, and gently release your stress. Stand tall. Feet hip-width apart. Inhale through your nose... and exhale through your mouth. Feel your body getting heavier and real, not lighter and fake. ...still here? Good. Let’s begin. --- Mat on the floor. Socks on the tiles. TV guru with the plastic smile. “Just three sets of mindful poses.” I’ve got cramps and work neuroses. “Roll your shoulders. Feel the breeze. Let your worries softly ease.” Every muscle in my back says: Throw this mat into the sea. They say: hydrate. Meditate. Journal all this inner hate. I say: cheap beer. Heavy sound. Shake this week into the ground. This is my self-care. Keep your soft repair. I don’t want your breathing app. I want the floor to hit back. This is my self-care. Screaming till there’s no air. If I can’t unload this weight, I’ll feed it back into the pit. Instructions: Great job. Now let’s move into a gentle stretch. Come down onto the mat. Hands by your sides. Inhale... and lift your hips. Hold. Five... four... three... Voice: Two... destroy this fucking place! Instructions: ...one. And release. Voice: “Listen to your body’s limits. Honor every tiny ache.” My whole life is one big limit. I’m not here for one more plank. “Now we flow into our warrior. Feel empowered. Strong and brave.” I feel like a dying office plant doing cosplay in a cave. They say: stretch it. Press it. Visualize you’re on a beach. I see: sticky floor. Packed club. And the stage just out of reach. This is my self-care. Keep your soft repair. I don’t want your breathing app. I want the floor to hit back. This is my self-care. Screaming till there’s no air. If I can’t unload this weight, I’ll feed it back into the pit. Instructions: Inhale... Voice: Fill the room with kick drum. Instructions: Exhale... Voice: Let the bass drop. Tainted instructions: Go dumb. Voice: Release your fear... Tainted instructions: Release the pit! Voice: Let go of anger... Crowd: We’ll let it hit! Voice and tainted instructions: “Breathe in calm”— I breathe in smoke. “Breathe out stress”— I breathe out choke. No more poses. No more apps. Just these riffs and all collapse. This is my self-care. Keep your soft repair. I don’t need a bath and tea. I need volume set to three hundred. This is my self-care. Screaming till there’s no air. Tomorrow I’m back in that cage. Tonight I’m healing in this rage. Tainted instructions: Wonderful. You did so well. Remember: self-care is about doing what feels right for you. Voice: I want beer! Tainted instructions: ...and sometimes, that’s also valid. End of session.
