When your health was at its lowest, surgeries, intense pain, medication so strong could make you sleep all day, whilst I was on the grind trying to get paid. After work, rushing, driving through the dark, could barely see, prescriptions in the rain. Home-cooked meals, chores, and daughters I adore, all that exhausted me more and more. Madness in my mind, fading echoes of times we felt alive, needed an anchor, I was falling apart, dark chaos is all that resides. When we first started out, I put my weight, shield, and trauma at the front door. Over time it crept in, so I put it in the ground. Then got a diagnosis that my heart was giving out, this new pending pain. You said you didn’t know how to help... I needed you to anchor whilst I sort my mind out. The consideration vanished, heart condition you denied, thrown directly in the past... where you never revise. You told me, “deal with it yourself,” and left me stranded with my pride. ’Cos you thought all I did was go fishing all the time. I fought and cried more tears there than a reservoir would ever rise. Because at home, you, my family, I couldn’t show weakness, had to disguise. Last time it showed, you had an unrecognisable look in your eye. Madness in my mind, fading echoes of times we felt alive, needed an anchor, I was falling apart, dark chaos is all that resides. Forever it feels, but only years in the past, you said: “Don’t hide, be yourself, cry or angry rage, I’ll be here to help.” No friends, no family, now you understand about my dark past, trauma I’ve endured with blood on my hands, wounds and scars to my failing heart. I needed you the most when I was falling apart. Bedroom door closed, silence by my side, not you, telling me it’s okay and all will be alright. Left in the darkness, draugrs, storm and I, slowly decaying madness in my mind.
