[18] Tale of Neshka: What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

This is the backstory of my tabletop RPG character. In it, Neshka recounts her tragic past in the world of Pathfinder. Part 18: What could possibly go wrong? [Intro – spoken, intimate] Neshka: "Merisiel...?" "Do you really think those few healing potions will be enough?" Merisiel: "Of course! What could possibly go wrong?" [Short pause] Neshka: "That was the first warning sign." The second was when Valeros said, "I've done this sort of thing before." The third was when Ezren agreed. [Pause] Neither looked particularly convincing. But the girls seemed happy. And the cave wasn't going to explore itself. [Music kicks in – lively medieval folk-rock] [Verse 1] Five brave souls beneath the trees, four big plans and no guarantees. Valeros marched with sword held high, Ezren looked wise. I wondered why. Merisiel skipped ahead with glee, Kyra walked calmly next to me. I had new spells I'd learned with care. So naturally, we went down there. [Spoken, dry] I asked if anyone had a plan. Valeros said, "Of course." Ezren nodded. Neither explained further. [Verse 2 – building energy] The cave was dark, the air was foul, somewhere deeper, something growled. Valeros whispered, "Stay behind me!" Then a goblin shrieked. He hid behind me. Ezren raised his hands and spoke, a brilliant spell... A cloud of smoke. The goblins stared. We stared as well. [Spoken] "Was that supposed to happen?" "Partly," he said. I decided not to ask which part. [Chorus – energetic, full band] What could possibly go wrong? We'd only been down here an hour! Five adventurers, three healing potions, and absolutely no sense of danger! Swing your sword and cast your spell, try not to wake the whole damn hell! If we make it out alive today, we'll never do this again! [Verse 3 – frantic fiddle] A tripwire snapped beneath my boot. The ceiling moved. That seemed untrue. I threw my hands up, shaped the dark, and blinded every goblin in the dark. Which worked quite well, I have to say. Until Valeros charged the wrong way. Merisiel laughed and loosed a knife. Kyra kept us all alive. Ezren shouted, "I've got this!" [Pause] He did not, in fact, have it. [Spoken – over rising music] Then came the second wave. Then the third. Then something considerably larger than the first two waves. I remember thinking: "Surely, there can't be any more." [Beat] There were more. [Verse 4 – chaotic, driving] My shield went up. It cracked. It broke. A goblin threw a burning cloak. Merisiel vanished, then reappeared with six angry goblins at her rear. Kyra shouted, "Everybody, RUN!" Valeros yelled, "That's what I've been doing!" Ezren tried a spell to clear the way. The ceiling fell. We ran anyway. [Chorus – louder, chaotic] What could possibly go wrong? The cave is small, the horde is tall! Five adventurers, one cracked shield, and no one knows who's supposed to lead! Run through the dark and dodge the knives! We're having such a wonderful time! If we make it out alive today... [Spoken, breathless] I am never listening to Merisiel again. [Verse 5 – sudden musical drop] We stumbled into a cavern wide, with a throne of bones on the other side. A goblin king sat on a chair that looked like something we shouldn't disturb. He rose. He smiled. He lifted his axe. [Pause] Valeros took one step back. Ezren whispered, "How large is that?" Merisiel said, "Well, this is awkward." Kyra looked at our empty potion bag. I looked at the king. The king looked at us. [Spoken, very calm] And then we ran. [Music explodes – frantic instrumental break] [Verse 6 – fast, comedic] Down the tunnel, round the bend, I lost my boot. We lost a friend— Not permanently. He was just very slow. Valeros slipped on something green, Ezren screamed, "I've never run this fast!" Merisiel laughed so hard she cried, while Kyra dragged me by my side. The goblins thundered close behind. I threw up darkness, bought us time. We burst outside into the sun, five heroes who had just... [Beat] ...accomplished absolutely nothing. [Spoken, exhausted] Except surviving. Which, at that point, felt like quite a lot. [Verse 7 – warm, triumphant folk-rock] We counted heads. We checked for bites. We argued over whose fault was whose. Valeros called the retreat a plan. Ezren said the same. Merisiel declared it thrilling. Kyra sighed and checked our wounds. I sat down in the dirt and thought: "We are never doing this again." [Pause] Merisiel already had another cave in mind. [Final Chorus – rousing, ridiculous] What could possibly go wrong? We ran away, but we ran together! Five adventurers, no loot to show, and the finest tactical retreat ever! Raise your mugs and sing along, we survived our first great song! We faced a goblin king and fled— [Spoken, proud] And lived to lie about it! [Outro – spoken, intimate] So, I know what you're thinking... Was it a terrible idea? Absolutely. Did we learn anything? [Pause] Yes. Bring more healing potions. And never trust a man who says he's done this before. [Small pause] Especially if the other man agrees. [Soft laugh]