[Intro] [Crowd noise, already mid-party] [Male] Sorry— quick question. Whose house is this? [Crowd] WHOSE HOUSE? [Male] Yeah. Exactly. Bathroom door says PRIVATE. It's a bathroom. Dog knows everybody. That's concerning me the most. There's a framed degree for someone called Helen. Anybody seen Helen? No? Excellent. [Hook] WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS? Not Josh's. WHO'S JOSH? Exactly. WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS? Nobody knows. Then why's everybody shouting— ONE MORE— [Male] Beat hits. ONE MORE WHAT? [Male] Beat hits. ONE MORE WHAT? [Verse 2] Kitchen's doing numbers. Three conversations, one fork. Girl by the freezer has appointed herself security. She's checking wristbands. There are no wristbands. Callum's moved the plant. Didn't see where. That's now an active situation. Somebody's mum has just come downstairs. Everyone freezes. She opens the fridge, takes the hummus, goes back up. Music resumes instantly. [Hook] WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS? Not Josh's. WHO'S JOSH? Still unclear. WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS? Check the post. Can't. Someone's using it as a coaster. ONE MORE— ONE MORE WHAT? ONE MORE WHAT? [Middle Section] [Male] Right. New plan. Find the host. [Crowd responses underneath] [Male] Who invited you? [Voice 1] Megan. [Male] Who invited Megan? [Voice 2] Tasha. [Male] Where's Tasha? [Voice 3] Thought she was with you. [Male] I've never met Tasha. [Male, small pause] WHO THE FUCK IS TASHA? [Verse 3] Front room: forty people. Garden: another twelve. Upstairs: we're not discussing upstairs. Callum's back. No plant. Won't make eye contact. Helen's degree is now wearing sunglasses. The dog has my jacket. I'm letting him keep it. At this stage he has the strongest claim to the property. [Final Hook] WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS? Dog's house. WHO'S JOSH? Doesn't matter. WHERE'S TASHA? Nobody knows. WHERE'S HELEN? [Crowd suddenly quieter] ...who's Helen? [Male] Her degree's in the kitchen. [Crowd] OOOOHHHH. [Final Section] [Crowd chant fragments] WHOSE— WHOSE— WHOSE— [Male] Don't break anything. [Crowd] WHY? [Male] Apparently none of us can afford to replace it. [Ending] [Doorbell] [Unfamiliar male voice] Sorry— whose house is this?
