# QUARTERLY PROFITS OF THE DAMNED *Brimstone Sears Corporate Orientation Musical* [Intro - Jaunty solo piano, cheerful office ambience] [Spoken, excessively friendly male announcer] "Welcome to Brimstone Sears! Devilishly low costs and damn good quality! Your eternal satisfaction is our business!" [Piano flourish] [Verse 1 - Fast, smiling male baritone] Good morning, all, I'm pleased to say Our souls are up again today! The quarterly projections show Another fine apocalypse to grow! We've seized three towns, Acquired two mines, Expanded into Four new timelines! And thanks to Legal's latest clause, Nobody reads the contract laws! [Chorus - Full cheerful corporate ensemble] Quarterly profits of the Damned! Exactly everything we planned! A little plague! A little greed! A little carefully managed need! The shareholders applaud with fire, The board demands we climb still higher! Sign below! Initial there! We'll own your soul by close of year! [Spoken, cheerful] "Faustian bargains are non-refundable!" [Verse 2 - Faustian Bargaining Department] Now every deal is custom made, No two eternal prices paid! We pride ourselves on customer care— The screaming means they're still aware! Need wealth? Need fame? Need youth? Need might? We'll have your paperwork tonight! Please note in subsection twenty-three: Your soul becomes company property! [Spoken, polite] "Soul acquisition quotas reset every fiscal quarter!" [Verse 3 - Faustian Mechanics, faster piano] Our engineers deserve applause, They've only broken most natural laws! Need chainsaw arms? Or rocket wings? Or seven deeply cursed new things? A little flesh! A little steel! The warranty is quite a deal! Should limbs detach or brains combust, Repairs are billed as per your trust! [Spoken, deadpan] "Extended coverage costs extra." [Instrumental - Jaunty piano solo, brass flourishes] [Verse 4 - Human Resources] Performance reviews are every spring! Please scream before addressing King! Vacation days are earned with pain, Bereavement leave denied again! Remember! Teamwork! Unity! Mandatory infernity! The coffee's free! The parking's not! The break room's currently too hot! [Spoken, friendly] "Please contact Payroll if your damnation exceeds six hundred years!" [Verse 5 - Repossessions, playful staccato piano] The Chimers knock at half past three. [Spoken, overly courteous] "Good afternoon! We're here to see..." The carriage! House! Magic sword! Kidneys weren't upon the board! No hard feelings! Business first! Your contract simply Listed worst! [Spoken, upbeat] "All repossessions are final!" [Bridge - Piano softens, corporate training voice] A happy employee Is a productive employee. A productive employee Creates satisfied shareholders. Satisfied shareholders Increase executive bonuses! [Spoken, brightly] "This concludes today's motivational seminar!" [Final Chorus - Full Broadway ensemble, brass and piano] Quarterly profits of the Damned! We couldn't ask for finer land! Every nightmare! Every scheme! Feeds another revenue stream! So if you're tempted, Pause a while! Read the contract! Read each file! And if you simply sign in red... [Sudden silence] [Spoken, delighted] "Congratulations!" [Full ensemble, triumphant] YOU'RE MIDDLE MANAGEMENT INSTEAD! [Finale - Huge cheerful Broadway chord] [Corporate choir, singing] BRIMSTONE SEARS! BRIMSTONE SEARS! YOUR SOUL IS OURS FOR YEARS AND YEARS! [Spoken, smiling male announcer] "Management reminds employees that unauthorized apocalypses require supervisor approval." [Single cheerful cash register ding] [End]
