Nat One Royalty

[Intro: tavern ambience, dice clatter, lute sample cuts into glitch bass] [DM, distorted voice] Roll for stealth. [Nyxie] Natural one. [DM] Again? [Nyxie] Put some respect on the consistency. [Hook: melodic hyperpop chant] Nat one royalty Failure looks good on me Every time the dice betray I find a louder way to play Nat one royalty Crowned by catastrophe I don’t need a perfect roll Chaos always meets the goal Roll low—stand tall Miss the check—break the wall Bad luck bows when I walk in Natural one—somehow I win [Verse 1: bratty, quick rap] Tiny horns at the tavern bar Quest board says, “Don’t wander far” Five gold down, stole back ten Banned from this establishment again Rolled for charm, insulted the king Rolled for flight, hit everything Rolled perception, missed the trap Found a secret door when the ceiling collapsed Spell slots gone before sunrise Mimic chest got puppy eyes Cleric sighing, rogue looks tired Wizard’s robe is somehow on fire Dungeon master rubbing their head “You cannot flirt with the ancient dead” Watch me roll and tempt my fate— [Dice clatter] One. …Okay, but did it hesitate? [Pre-Chorus 1: strings rising beneath the beat] Every hero wants the glory Perfect numbers, polished story Mine gets written through mistakes And every wrong turn something breaks [Chorus 1: explosive fantasy hyperpop] I’m Nat One Royalty Disaster in nobility Every critical defeat Turns to thunder underneath my feet I’m Nat One Royalty The dice hold grudges personally But when fortune shuts the door I kick through the dungeon floor Roll low—stand tall Miss the check—break the wall Bad luck bows when I walk in Natural one—somehow I win [Verse 2: faster rap, orchestral trap beat] Initiative? Top of the mess Armor class? Don’t ask, just guess Inventory: sweets, three cursed rings One plushie and suspicious things Made a pact with a shadow queen Patron says I’m “too chaotic” apparently Used eldritch blast to open wine Technically wasteful—still worked fine Three moms taught me how to fight Hannah gave fire, Kara gave light Lily said, “Think before you leap” I heard “leap,” so the chasm got steep Party says, “Nyxie, please behave” Then follows me into the haunted cave Because every time the plan goes wrong The bard starts playing my entrance song [Pre-Chorus 2: layered vocals] I don’t need fate to adore me I make failure work for me Let the twenty chase perfection I’ll make ones into legends [Chorus 2: bigger, more defiant] I’m Nat One Royalty A crown forged from improbability Every trap that should have won Becomes another story when we’re done I’m Nat One Royalty Bad luck joined my adventuring party When the dice refuse my call I turn the failure into a fireball Roll low—stand tall Miss the check—break the wall Bad luck bows when I walk in Natural one—watch me still win [Bridge: stripped harp, vulnerable vocal] Maybe I laugh when the roll goes bad Because failing used to hurt like that Like every mistake proved something true— That I was too strange to make it through But my party never left the table Never asked me to be stable So now every little crooked throw Is just another place we get to grow I’m not lucky. I’m loved. That works better. [Breakdown: tavern chant meets glitchcore] [Nyxie] Roll for stealth! [Party] Natural one! [Nyxie] Roll for wisdom! [Party] Absolutely none! [Nyxie] Roll for danger! [Party] Already here! [Nyxie] Roll for running! [Party] No chance, my dear! Crit fail Quest derailed Dragon woke Bridge impaled Wrong spell Big boom Guess who owns The treasure room? One-one-one, let the bad dice sing One-one-one, still becoming king One-one-one, crown tilted right Tiny demon, legendary night [Final Chorus: full orchestral-hyperpop explosion] I’m Nat One Royalty Failure built a throne for me Every tumble, every scar Only proved how strong we are I’m Nat One Royalty No prophecy was made for me So I wrote one on the wall— “Even legends sometimes fall.” Roll low—stand tall Miss the check—save them all Bad luck kneels when I walk in Natural one—and still I win Nat one royalty Crowned by catastrophe Let the perfect heroes pose— I make history when the whole plan blows. [Outro: fading lute, one final die roll] [DM] Roll to see whether the tavern survives. [Nyxie] Natural twenty! [Silence] [Nyxie] …Why is everyone running?