[Verse 1] One morning a cool breeze brushed my backside For a week I moved lighter than before Must be all that tomato-juice kick, I smiled— Feeling loose, feeling healthy to the core [Pre-Chorus] Fired-up speeches in the Monday meeting Scolding my crew for sloppy suits and ties But everyone squirms, half-grins, half-looking away— Something’s up, I can see it in their eyes [Chorus 1] Ah—split-seam pants, the naked truth Do you see it? Don’t you see it? Nobody says a thing The harder I chase perfection, the bigger the joke The truth is written on my backside [Verse 2] Presentation over, a buddy leans in close— “Spinach on your teeth,” she gently grins Sixty minutes of swagger on stage, oh man Up there with a leafy green sidekick [Verse 3] Stride into the exec board room, bold as ever All eyes drop down to my polished shoes A long white ribbon of toilet paper trailing Like confetti on my red-carpet route [Pre-Chorus] I point and say, “No taste at all,” Blind to the circus I’m leading behind me Can’t figure out why the laughter grows— Still wearing the emperor’s new Armani [Chorus 2] Ah—split-seam pants, ridiculous truth On display? Under wraps? I’m the last one in the know Beneath the flawless mask, the real me shows Thanks to the story my backside told [Bridge] If someone had just called it out It would sting, but it might have saved me Was everyone really looking away— Or was the blindfold self-made, maybe? [Outro] Ah—split-seam pants and merciful lies You saw but you spared my pride Maybe that’s what kindness is Perfect isn’t necessary— Just give it time, it turns into a great punchline
