Welcome… Release every thought from your mind. Release every worry from your body. An’ if yuh accidentally release something else… Dat is between you an’ di cushion. Close your eyes… Relax your anus. Calm your tits. Feel your earlobe becoming emotionally available. Breathe deeply through your nose… Now smell your feet. Accept di consequences. Do not judge di smell… Di smell is part of you. Relax your left butt cheek… Now relax di right one. Let dem become strangers… Who slowly learn fi trust each other again. Calm your tits… Relax your anus… Shake your nipples gently… Like two tiny maracas. Unclench your buttocks… Listen closely to your armpits… Now place one finger in your belly button… And restart yourself. Body Part Relaxation… Your body is calm… Your mind is empty… And your left nipple knows the truth. Place one hand upon your belly… An’ di other somewhere less explainable. Feel your belly button breathing. Whisper something kind to your armpit. It has worked very hard today. Rotate your nipples clockwise… Now anticlockwise… Restore di natural balance of di universe. Become aware of your knees. Yuh never thank dem. Ungrateful bastard. Touch your elbow with your tongue… If yuh cannot reach it… Accept defeat peacefully. Your body is a temple… A slightly damp temple… Wid suspicious noises inna di basement. Your buttocks are two ancient mountains. Your belly is di sacred valley. An’ your anus… Is di forbidden cave. Do not enter di cave. Calm your tits… Relax your anus… Shake your nipples gently… Like two tiny maracas. Unclench your buttocks… Listen closely to your armpits… Now place one finger in your belly button… And restart yourself. Body Part Relaxation… Your body is calm… Your mind is empty… And your left nipple knows the truth. Take one final breath… Feel your nipples… Respect your armpits… Forgive your knees… An’ slowly open your eyes. Congratulations. Yuh achieve absolutely nothing.
