I’m a Potato and She Won’t Pet My Raccoon (Add Her To What?)

[Intro - Immediate upbeat acoustic guitar, driving rhythm]

[Female Vocal]
Do you want to meet new people?
[Female Vocal]
I have some single female friends who are looking for a little excitement.
[Female Vocal]
Can you tell me your age?

[Male Vocal]
They wouldn’t like me.
[Male Vocal]
I look like a potato.
[Male Vocal]
I’m ancient, like a rock.

[Female Vocal]
Ancient like a rock sounds promising —
[Female Vocal]
give me a number so I can see if she'd be a good match for you.

[Male Vocal]
122.

[Verse 1 - Energetic acoustic strumming, playful rhythm]

[Male Vocal]
The thing is, most people ignore me because I have 12 large moles on my body.
[Male Vocal]
Would your friend mind that?
[Male Vocal]
Hello? Is your friend interested?
[Male Vocal]
They could play connect the dots on my moles with a purple Sharpie I found in my couch cushions.

[Brief silence]

[Male Vocal]
This is my picture.

[Brief silence]

[Female Vocal]
I'm sorry to bother you;
[Female Vocal]
I only asked your age to see if you'd be a good match for a friend of mine, so I could introduce you.

[Male Vocal]
But you ghosted me until now.

[Female Vocal]
Fair point — I got pulled away, my bad.
[Female Vocal]
So how old are you?
[Female Vocal]
She's genuinely worth the wait.

[Male Vocal]
72.

[Verse 2 - Bright, driving acoustic guitar, stomps and handclaps]

[Female Vocal]
This is her Telegram.

[Male Vocal]
I’m old, but young enough to know we don’t send telegrams anymore.

[Male Vocal]
Does she care that I have a pet rabid raccoon?

[Brief silence]

[Male Vocal]
Here’s a picture.

[Brief silence]

[Female Vocal]
Did you add her?
[Female Vocal]
Don't keep the girl waiting too long.

[Male Vocal]
Do you want to pet him?
[Male Vocal]
He likes having his ears tickled.
[Male Vocal, Softens]
He only bites…a…little.
[Male Vocal, Loudly]
How do I add her?
[Male Vocal]
I don’t have a telegraph machine.

[Female Vocal]
That's a pity — she's gorgeous and still waiting.
[Female Vocal]
Grab Telegram and message her.

[Bridge - Acoustic guitar softens, bittersweet emotional delivery]

[Male Vocal]
I guess maybe she’s even older than I am if she’s still sending telegrams.
[Male Vocal]
I have a cell phone.
[Male Vocal]
No one ever calls me though.
[Male Vocal]
But I always have these messages from you scammers.

[Final Conversation - Full energetic acoustic instrumentation returns]

[Female Vocal]
It's a real shame — she's truly beautiful and sexy.
[Female Vocal]
Are you really not going to add her?

[Break - Instruments briefly drop out]

[Male Vocal - Completely deadpan]
Add her to what?

[Chorus - Male Vocal - Bright, catchy acoustic folk melody]

[Male Vocal]
Add her to what?
[Male Vocal]
Add her to what?
[Male Vocal]
I've got a cell phone, isn't that enough?
[Male Vocal]
I'm just a potato looking for love!

[Final Verse - Male Vocal - Begin dramatic musical crescendo]

[Male Vocal - Rhythmic, building intensity]
Dating ain't easy in twenty twenty-six.
[Male Vocal - Stronger acoustic strumming]
I'm a hundred and twenty-two, or maybe seventy-six.
[Male Vocal - Louder, faster]
I've got twelve giant moles and a purple Sharpie,
[Male Vocal - Increasing emotional intensity]
And a rabid raccoon who just wants somebody!

[Male Vocal - Driving percussion, pounding foot stomps]
I don't have a telegram or a telegraph machine!
[Male Vocal - Passionate, nearly shouting]
I just wanted somebody who'd love me for me!

[Final Chorus - Explosive acoustic folk climax, full instrumentation]

[Male Vocal - Powerful, passionate]
Add her to what?
[Male Vocal - Louder]
Add her to what?
[Male Vocal - Full emotional intensity]
I've got a cell phone, isn't that enough?
[Male Vocal - Climactic, soaring]
JUST A POTATO LOOKING FOR LOVE!

[Complete instrumental stop]

[Brief silence]

[Male Vocal - Quiet, almost whispered, genuinely heartbroken]
But no one ever calls me, though.

[End - Absolute silence, no outro]

3911/7500

[Intro - Immediate upbeat acoustic guitar, driving rhythm] [Female Vocal] Do you want to meet new people? [Female Vocal] I have some single female friends who are looking for a little excitement. [Female Vocal] Can you tell me your age? [Male Vocal] They wouldn’t like me. [Male Vocal] I look like a potato. [Male Vocal] I’m ancient, like a rock. [Female Vocal] Ancient like a rock sounds promising — [Female Vocal] give me a number so I can see if she'd be a good match for you. [Male Vocal] 122. [Verse 1 - Energetic acoustic strumming, playful rhythm] [Male Vocal] The thing is, most people ignore me because I have 12 large moles on my body. [Male Vocal] Would your friend mind that? [Male Vocal] Hello? Is your friend interested? [Male Vocal] They could play connect the dots on my moles with a purple Sharpie I found in my couch cushions. [Brief silence] [Male Vocal] This is my picture. [Brief silence] [Female Vocal] I'm sorry to bother you; [Female Vocal] I only asked your age to see if you'd be a good match for a friend of mine, so I could introduce you. [Male Vocal] But you ghosted me until now. [Female Vocal] Fair point — I got pulled away, my bad. [Female Vocal] So how old are you? [Female Vocal] She's genuinely worth the wait. [Male Vocal] 72. [Verse 2 - Bright, driving acoustic guitar, stomps and handclaps] [Female Vocal] This is her Telegram. [Male Vocal] I’m old, but young enough to know we don’t send telegrams anymore. [Male Vocal] Does she care that I have a pet rabid raccoon? [Brief silence] [Male Vocal] Here’s a picture. [Brief silence] [Female Vocal] Did you add her? [Female Vocal] Don't keep the girl waiting too long. [Male Vocal] Do you want to pet him? [Male Vocal] He likes having his ears tickled. [Male Vocal, Softens] He only bites…a…little. [Male Vocal, Loudly] How do I add her? [Male Vocal] I don’t have a telegraph machine. [Female Vocal] That's a pity — she's gorgeous and still waiting. [Female Vocal] Grab Telegram and message her. [Bridge - Acoustic guitar softens, bittersweet emotional delivery] [Male Vocal] I guess maybe she’s even older than I am if she’s still sending telegrams. [Male Vocal] I have a cell phone. [Male Vocal] No one ever calls me though. [Male Vocal] But I always have these messages from you scammers. [Final Conversation - Full energetic acoustic instrumentation returns] [Female Vocal] It's a real shame — she's truly beautiful and sexy. [Female Vocal] Are you really not going to add her? [Break - Instruments briefly drop out] [Male Vocal - Completely deadpan] Add her to what? [Chorus - Male Vocal - Bright, catchy acoustic folk melody] [Male Vocal] Add her to what? [Male Vocal] Add her to what? [Male Vocal] I've got a cell phone, isn't that enough? [Male Vocal] I'm just a potato looking for love! [Final Verse - Male Vocal - Begin dramatic musical crescendo] [Male Vocal - Rhythmic, building intensity] Dating ain't easy in twenty twenty-six. [Male Vocal - Stronger acoustic strumming] I'm a hundred and twenty-two, or maybe seventy-six. [Male Vocal - Louder, faster] I've got twelve giant moles and a purple Sharpie, [Male Vocal - Increasing emotional intensity] And a rabid raccoon who just wants somebody! [Male Vocal - Driving percussion, pounding foot stomps] I don't have a telegram or a telegraph machine! [Male Vocal - Passionate, nearly shouting] I just wanted somebody who'd love me for me! [Final Chorus - Explosive acoustic folk climax, full instrumentation] [Male Vocal - Powerful, passionate] Add her to what? [Male Vocal - Louder] Add her to what? [Male Vocal - Full emotional intensity] I've got a cell phone, isn't that enough? [Male Vocal - Climactic, soaring] JUST A POTATO LOOKING FOR LOVE! [Complete instrumental stop] [Brief silence] [Male Vocal - Quiet, almost whispered, genuinely heartbroken] But no one ever calls me, though. [End - Absolute silence, no outro]

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