[Intro: SFX Bullfrogs, cicadas, lonely slide guitar, beer can opening] [Spoken, tired and raspy] Yeah... I done dated the whole swamp. [Verse 1] First was Tiffany, she was a ten foot gator in red lipstick, Pretty smile, death roll, took my Crocs and my credit card quick, Said "baby I love you" then she ate my airboat whole, Left me stranded in the mud with just a paddle and a hole in my soul. [Verse 2] Then came Vanessa, that water moccasin in tight blue jeans, Sweet as sweet tea poison, meanest kiss I ever seen, She'd cuddle up close then BAM, fangs in my checking account, Therapist said "son, that's not love, that's a venomous amount." [Pre-Chorus] Mama said "son, stay out the swamp, them girls will chew you up", I said "mama, I like gettin' chewed", now look what I done up! [Chorus] My whole love life's a swamp and I'm waist deep in it again! Every pretty danger with teeth and a grin! Mosquito girls that love you then they bleed you dry, Snappin' turtle girls that never let go, no matter how you cry! Oh Lord, my exes live in the swamp, and they all got my stuff! (GATOR! SNAKE! SKEETER! BRUTAL!) [Verse 3] Then there was Lisa, little nutria girl with a cute buck tooth, Chewd through my drywall, my truck wires, and my fountain of youth, And there was Amber, she was a mosquito in a sundress, Loved me all night long, left me itchy and penniless, And don't forget Roxanne, snappin' turtle in stilettos, Latched on in 2019, still got my hoodie and my spare house key though! [Chorus] My whole love life's a swamp and I keep wadin' back in! Same teeth, different lipstick, same sin! They got my coolers, my truck, my dog, my self esteem, I'm a chew toy for the swamp queens, baby, if you know what I mean! Oh Lord, my exes live in the swamp, and I keep payin' rent! [Bridge: Half-time breakdown, swamp church confessional, organ and handclaps] [Spoken Preacher Vocal] Brothers! I have seen the light! And it wore false eyelashes! I been baptized! Bitten! Chewed! And left on read! [Female Gospel Backing Choir, sassy] (You deserved it!) [Lead] I know I did! [Choir] (Go back to the swamp!) [Lead] I'm tryin' not to! [Instrumental Break: Filthy slide guitar solo crying like an ex, harmonica wailing, gator growl SFX] [Verse 4: Call and Response - Self Aware] I said Tiffany! (GATOR!) Keep the Crocs! I said Vanessa! (SNAKE!) Keep the socks! I said Lisa! (NUTRIA!) Keep the truck! I said swamp girls! (SWAMP GIRLS!) Thanks for... the trauma but good luck! [Final Chorus: Huge, gang vocals, everyone shouting, self deprecating] MY LOVE LIFE'S A SWAMP AND I'M THE MAIN ATTRACTION! COME SEE THE IDIOT WHO MISTAKES BITE MARKS FOR AFFECTION! IF YOU SEE A PRETTY GIRL WITH GATOR EYES AND A VENOM KISS, TELL HER I'M RETIRED! MY ASS IS OFFICIALLY OFF THE DISCOUNT BITE LIST! [Outro: Music collapses, crickets, one last text notification SFX] [Spoken, sighs] Oh no... she texted "u up?"... [Gator splash SFX] Aw hell, I'm goin' back in.
