The Dude in Red

Ho Ho Ho. [Verse 1] Who’s that guy in red and white, Breaking in on Christmas night? Sneaks right past the dog and cat, Leaves his boot prints ... what’s up with that? Down the chimney, full of soot, Tracks that junk across my wood ... Hey, you might call it “merry,” But I call it kinda scary! [Chorus] The Dude in Red! (Yeah, that’s what I said) Creepin’ in my house when I’m tucked in bed. Cookies and milk ... what’s the deal with that? Is it a bribe or a midnight snack? The Dude in Red! (Man, use the door instead!) Reindeer bombed my car and then they fled! Who made this guy the holiday boss? Now I’m payin’ for the car wash! [Verse 2] Air traffic’s nuts on Christmas Eve, Radar says “UFO at three!” Little Tommy gets a truck, Lucy’s dolly ... oh, what luck! Me? I check my stocking tight ... Just socks again, yeah, thanks all right. Where’s my bling, my shiny toy? Guess I’m not the golden boy. [Pre-Chorus] They say he’s jolly, but I say “sus.” A beard that white? Who can I trust? A list of names ... he’s keepin’ score, Hey Santa, that’s a little much, don’t ya think, bro? [Chorus] The Dude in Red! (Ho-ho, misread!) Flying ‘round like he’s outta his head. Breaking and entering once a year, We just smile and call it “cheer.” The Dude in Red! (Man, use the door instead!) Reindeer droppin’ gifts on my shed! Where’s my diamond, my new guitar? He took my cookies and stole my heart! [Bridge – spoken/bluesy riff] Oh sure, “he sees you when you’re sleeping,” Yeah, that’s not creepy at all! Guy’s got more surveillance than the NSA. Maybe next year, I’ll set a trap Milk’s gonna be oat, cookies full of capsaicin. Merry ouchin’ Christmas, pal! [Laughter] [Final Chorus] The Dude in Red! (Time to call the Feds!) He’s got the elves and a global spread. You want peace on Earth? I’ll settle for clean glass .... No hoofprints on my hood or dash! The Dude in Red! (Man, you’ve been misled!) He’s got charm but I ain’t impressed! Next year I’m stayin’ up instead To catch that dude in red!