Sooooo… I’ve Been Thinking Again [Verse 1] I was standing at the refrigerator, Door wide open, staring in, My wife walked by and caught me thinking, Said, “Oh Lord, here we go again.” I said, “If tomatoes are really fruit, Is ketchup a smoothie then?” She shut the door and walked away, Said, “Don’t you start this mess again.” If you clean a vacuum cleaner, Are you the vacuum cleaner too? And why does your nose keep running When your feet are the ones that smell like shoes? [Chorus] Sooooo… I’ve been thinking again, There goes my family around the bend. My wife rolls her eyes, the kids disappear, The dog sees me thinking and gets outta here. I ain’t trying to cause no trouble, These things just show up in my head. Sooooo… I’ve been thinking again— My wife said, “Try watching TV instead.” [Verse 2] If two vegetarians start arguing, Do we still call that a beef? If you’re scared half to death two times, Shouldn’t somebody call the police? If you’re bald as a brand-new tire, What’s your hair color at the DMV? And Cinderella’s slipper fit perfect— So how’d she lose the thing at three? Why is “abbreviated” such a long word? Who sat down and thought that was smart? And if I eat a family-size bag alone, Does that legally make me a family of one? [Chorus] Sooooo… I’ve been thinking again, There goes my family around the bend. My wife rolls her eyes, the kids disappear, Somebody hollers, “Dad’s doing it again!” I ain’t trying to cause no trouble, I just follow where these questions lead. Sooooo… I’ve been thinking again— Apparently thinking’s a dangerous thing for me. [Verse 3] If I step out of the shower clean, How’s my towel getting dirty? If the early bird gets the worm, The worm’s morning started pretty poorly. And if nothing sticks to Teflon, There’s something I gotta understand— How in the world did they get The Teflon to stick to the pan? My wife said, “Honey, please… Just think about nothing for a while.” I said, “I tried that once this morning… But then nothing made me wonder why.” [Breakdown — spoken over banjo] Wife: “What are you doing?” Me: “Nothing.” Wife: “You’ve been staring at that ceiling fan for ten minutes.” Me: “Well… I was wondering—” Wife: “No.” Me: “But if it’s called a ceiling fan—” Wife: “NO.” Me: “Sooooo…” Entire family: “STOP THINKING!” [Instrumental — fast chicken-pickin’ guitar and banjo] [Final Chorus] Sooooo… I’ve been thinking again, Thirty-some years she’s put up with this man. She knows that look before I say a word, And somehow I’m still getting on her nerves. The kids start laughing, the wife starts leaving, The dog’s already halfway down the lawn. Sooooo… I’ve been thinking again— And everybody knows something’s about to go wrong. [Outro — spoken, music underneath] Me: “Honey?” Wife: “No.” Me: “I haven’t even said anything.” Wife: “You said ‘Honey’ like you were thinking.” Me: “Well…” Wife: “Don’t.” Me: “I was just wondering…” Wife: “Oh, Lord.” Me: “If you expect the unexpected…” pause “…doesn’t that make the unexpected… expected?” music stops Wife: “I’m going to bed.” Me: “Sooooo—” Wife: “GOODNIGHT!” banjo sting Me, quietly: “…I still think I’m right.”
