I WAS JUST TICKLING The Tickler’s Testimony [INTRO, SPOKEN] Before everybody takes her side And the kids’ side And the side supported by observable reality I would like to tell my side I was just tickling Thank you [VERSE 1] Started at her house Had some drinks, was feeling funny Started tickling her She did not find it funny She said, “Stop” I kept going I was laughing, having fun Then her kids were saying, “Stop” So now it’s three against one Whole house reached a verdict The decision was unanimous I carefully considered it Then kept laughing like an asshole Everybody said stop I was the only one still grinning She said, “Fine, we have to leave” I said, “Why? What did I do?” [PRE CHORUS] She said stop Her kids said stop I heard every single word But I kept doing the exact thing Like the message was unclear Then she ended the evening I was shocked and quite offended Could not understand why something I refused to stop had ended [CHORUS] I WAS JUST TICKLING That’s my opening defense Everybody told me stop I treated stop like a suggestion Now the visit’s over And I’m shocked by consequence My phone got out before I did But I still don’t get the message I WAS JUST TICKLING Why’s everybody serious? Three people said the same thing But somehow I found that mysterious Now she’s driving me back home And I’m calling her ridiculous My phone got out before I did But I still don’t get the message [VERSE 2] Before we left, I gave her Some important family context “My dad used to tickle me I didn’t like it, to be honest But now they’re happy memories And me and Dad are good He’s actually a great tickler” She said, “Get your fucking shoes” I thought that explanation Would improve the situation Instead, it raised more questions And expedited transportation Now I’m riding home beside her Drunk and loudly making points Explaining why the whole house Simply misunderstood my joy I was not being belligerent I was passionately explaining Why nobody should be angry That I ignored their clear complaining [CHORUS] I WAS JUST TICKLING That’s my opening defense Everybody told me stop I treated stop like a suggestion Now the visit’s over And I’m shocked by consequence My phone got out before I did But I still don’t get the message I WAS JUST TICKLING Why’s everybody serious? Three people said the same thing But somehow I found that mysterious Now she’s driving me back home And I’m calling her ridiculous My phone got out before I did But I still don’t get the message [VERSE 3] We pulled up outside my house Car in park, the journey done She said, “Okay, get out now” I said, “Wait, I have a song” Did I open up the door? No, I opened up my phone Asked her what she wanted playing Like she hadn’t brought me home I wasn’t refusing to exit I was delaying my departure By turning her parked vehicle Into an unwanted concert “What song do you wanna hear?” I asked, preparing to begin She grabbed the phone right from my hand And threw it out the window My phone landed on my property Without a single fight It understood that we had reached my house And exited that night [CHORUS] MY PHONE GOT OUT BEFORE I DID My phone respected what she said She threw it out the window While I sat there playing deaf Car was parked outside my house The destination reached My phone got out before I did Because apparently it listens MY PHONE GOT OUT BEFORE I DID It accepted we were done I was holding up departure Trying to play another song No crash No chase No tire marks Just a vehicle in park My phone got out before I did Then I joined it in the yard [VERSE 4] Since my phone was now outside I finally opened up the door Started climbing out so slowly Like I hadn’t stalled before One foot planted on the ground One shoulder leaning out Still extending the discussion Still refusing to shut up Then she put her hand upon me Gave my shoulder one quick shove And I learned I was more movable Than either of us thought Surprisingly easy Barely any force at all I expected more resistance But I practically just fell Now I tell it like she launched me From a car at deadly speed Not gently helped me exit After everybody asked repeatedly [FINAL CHORUS] I WAS JUST TICKLING That’s my closing argument She said stop Her kids said stop I laughed and kept on doing it Then I wouldn’t leave her car At my own fucking residence My phone got out before I did But I still don’t get the message MY PHONE GOT OUT BEFORE I DID The car was sitting there in park She pushed my shoulder once And I descended to the yard No sirens No ambulance No tragic final breath Just a drunk man meeting consequences At approximately zero miles per hour [OUTRO, SPOKEN] So anyway I was thrown from a vehicle A stationary vehicle Outside my own house After refusing to get out But still Thrown Also, my dad really is An excellent tickler I feel like everybody Keeps ignoring that part
