[CHEESY FM JINGLE] [SUNG] MEATBALL AND THE CRAAAACK! 104.2... THE SPLAAAAAT! [AIRHORN] [MEATBALL - SPOKEN] GOOD MORNING, BULGARIA! [THE CRACK] Is it morning? [MEATBALL] Technically. [THE CRACK] Disgusting. [MEATBALL] You're listening to Meatball and The Crack, live from Studio B. [THE CRACK] What happened to Studio A? [MEATBALL] Microwave fire. [THE CRACK] Again? [MEATBALL] Different microwave. [SAD TROMBONE] [STATION VOICE] 104.2 THE SPLAT. Now broadcasting from the room with fewer flames. [MEATBALL] Coming up: weather, science, relationship advice and Crack tries sparkling water. [THE CRACK] Water shouldn't bite. [MEATBALL] First... [BOTH] WHAT'S IN THE BOX?! [AIRHORN] [THE CRACK] Can I shake it? [MEATBALL] Absolutely not. [BOX SHAKING] [MEATBALL] You immediately shook it. [THE CRACK] Something moved. [MEATBALL] That's concerning. [THE CRACK] Could be a sandwich. [HISSING] [MEATBALL] Sandwiches don't hiss. [THE CRACK] Depends how fresh they are. [PHONE RINGS] [MEATBALL] Caller! What's in the box? [CALLER] A snake? [MEATBALL] WRONG! [BUZZER] [THE CRACK] How do you know? [MEATBALL] I don't. [THE CRACK] Then why is he wrong? [MEATBALL] Confidence. [JACKPOT] [STATION VOICE] Meatball and The Crack. Facts are optional. [NEWS MUSIC] [MEATBALL] Weather. [THE CRACK] Outside currently contains weather. [MEATBALL] Temperature? [THE CRACK] Some. [MEATBALL] Rain? [THE CRACK] Possibly upwards. [MEATBALL] Wind? [THE CRACK] I've got some. [FART SOUND] [MEATBALL] That's not meteorology. [THE CRACK] It moved air. [STATION VOICE] The Splat Weather Centre. Sponsored by looking out the window. [GAME SHOW MUSIC] [MEATBALL] Time for NAME THAT NOISE! [METALLIC CLANG] [THE CRACK] A spoon falling into a radiator. [MEATBALL] Wrong. [THE CRACK] A radiator falling onto a spoon. [MEATBALL] Closer. [THE CRACK] My uncle? [MEATBALL] CORRECT! [JACKPOT] [THE CRACK] What do I win? [MEATBALL] Nothing. [CHEESY AD MUSIC] [ANNOUNCER] Today's show is sponsored by Big Tony's Emergency Lasagna. Car trouble? Relationship trouble? Tax investigation? Lasagna. Big Tony doesn't ask questions. Available twenty-four hours a day from the boot of a silver Vauxhall. [TYRES SCREECH] [THE CRACK] I've had Tony's lasagna. [MEATBALL] How was it? [THE CRACK] Warm. [MEATBALL] That's not a review. [THE CRACK] Rectangular. [MEATBALL] Better. [PHONE RING] [CALLER] I need relationship advice. [MEATBALL] You've come to exactly the wrong place. [CALLER] My girlfriend says I never listen. [THE CRACK] Sorry, what? [PAUSE] [APPLAUSE] [MEATBALL] Buy her a falcon. [CALLER] A falcon?! [THE CRACK] Women love birds. [CALLER] I don't think— [DISCONNECT] [STATION VOICE] 104.2 THE SPLAT. Saving relationships since twelve minutes ago. [SPORTS STINGER] [MEATBALL] Sports! [THE CRACK] I watched football. [MEATBALL] Who played? [THE CRACK] Two teams. [MEATBALL] Score? [THE CRACK] Numbers. [MEATBALL] Highlights? [THE CRACK] One bloke fell over. [MEATBALL] WHAT A MATCH! [CROWD ROARS] [THE CRACK] Then he got up. [MEATBALL] WHAT A COMEBACK! [THE CRACK] Then he fell over again. [SAD TROMBONE] [SCI-FI STINGER] [MEATBALL] Science Corner! [THE CRACK] I'm seeing how many batteries fit inside a potato. [MEATBALL] Why? [THE CRACK] Science doesn't ask why. [MEATBALL] Science literally asks why. [THE CRACK] Not my science. [ELECTRIC BUZZ] [MEATBALL] Is the potato smoking? [THE CRACK] It's thinking. [SMOKE ALARM] [MEATBALL] TURN IT OFF! [CRASH] [SHORT SILENCE] [MEATBALL] We're back. [THE CRACK] Potato's dead. [MEATBALL] Thoughts and prayers. [SOFT PIANO] [THE CRACK] Gone too soon. [MEATBALL] It was eight minutes old. [PIANO STOPS] [MEATBALL] Traffic! [THE CRACK] Blue car is gone. [MEATBALL] Major development. [THE CRACK] Red one's still there. [MEATBALL] Stay with us for updates. [PHONE RING] [CALLER] Can you stop playing that airhorn? [MEATBALL] Absolutely. [AIRHORN] [DISCONNECT] [MEATBALL] Finally, Crack tries sparkling water. [DRUM ROLL] [CAN OPENS] [THE CRACK] It's angry. [MEATBALL] Drink it. [SIP] [PAUSE] [THE CRACK] Why is it spicy? [MEATBALL] It's bubbles. [THE CRACK] Water shouldn't have opinions. [MEATBALL] Final score? [THE CRACK] Three out of ten. [MEATBALL] Why three? [THE CRACK] Bottle looks expensive. [DING] [MEATBALL] That's our show! [THE CRACK] What did we achieve? [MEATBALL] One fire, three complaints, dead potato. [THE CRACK] Productive morning. [MEATBALL] Tomorrow: Crack attempts online banking. [THE CRACK] I've forgotten my password. [MEATBALL] What's your password? [THE CRACK] Password1. [WINDOWS ERROR SOUND] [STATION VOICE] Meatball and The Crack. Two idiots. One studio. No emergency plan. [SUNG] MEATBALL AND THE CRAAAACK! 104.2... THE SPLAAAAAT! [AIRHORN] [THE CRACK] Is the microwave supposed to spark? [MEATBALL] NO! [CRASH] [END]
