My dad, my hero, and my anti-hero all in the same package not that he’s inherently bad I’m not even be the same character in his book. I guess I’ll read it and figure out regardless I find myself acting more like him every day. I understand him why he is the way he is what agitate him and why it does. I completely feel him 100% that’s why it’s so hard to stand up to him. He has a fucking point but in the same token there are so many ways that I’ve begged for him to see me. I didn’t know I was begging him to see me. I think I’ve always begged to the world to see me, though. I’m just outspoken I want to be in the spotlight attention fucking drives me until it doesn’t. I would like to go recluse after about a day of attention but just give me that attention when I come around I mean, come on anyway it’s so complicated to talk about your parents to write about them to share an experience but with my dad, I’ve always wondered what I’ve done wrong. Why didn’t he like me and I’ve always internalize that until very very recently. I thought that I had something inherently wrong with me and I actually projected that to the world and I directed that image to every single person woman man child I even told God I was insane. I checked myself in. I got strapped to the beds. I took all the medicine. I jumped all the jobs and I’m fucking did all the flips and turns and I did anything and everything that I could to be perfect to fit them all to be normal. It was never good enough and as an adult, I’m starting to understand that that came from somewhere but that also came from so where mine came from, I’m not ignorant enough to ignore the fact that nothing in life is personal but as a child, it’s hard to understand.
