[Red] The fuck is that? Oh shit. Pickles? KYLE! [Kyle] WHAT?! [Red] When'd you get pickles?! [Kyle] I DIDN'T! [Red] Then whose are these?! [Kai] Mine. [Red] Oh, Cool Kyle. [Kai] Bro it's, Kai [Red] Whatever. Where'd you get these? [Kai] Mom made 'em. [Red] Wait Like... she made pickles? [Kai] Yeah? [Red] How the fuck do you make a pickle? [Kai] You know cucumbers aren't born like that, right? [Red] Fuck you. Give me one [Red, quietly] Oh fuck [Verse 1] Vinegar, water, salt in brine Garlic, dill, give it time Pack that shit in a mason jar Couple days later... [Red] WAIT, THAT'S ALL?! [Kai] More or less [Red] You can just fucking DO that?! [Kai] Yeah [Red] To anything?! [Kai] Well, no... [Red] HOLY SHIT! [Kai] That's not what I... [Pre-Chorus] Cucumbers, onions, carrots too Jalapeños, garlic, okra... [Red] Wait Those are cucumbers? [Kai] Yes [Red] Is that what they're called? [Kai] Before they're pickles?! [Red] I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT! [Kyle] HOW?! [Chorus] YOU CAN PICKLE FUCKING ANYTHING! (PICKLE IT!) Throw it in a jar Don't care what you are YOU CAN PICKLE FUCKING ANYTHING! (PICKLE IT!) Vinegar, salt That's fucking all [Kai] THAT IS NOT FUCKING ALL! [Red] Close enough! [Gang] PICKLE! PICKLE! PICKLE THAT SHIT! [Verse 2] [Red] Carrots? [Kai] Yep [Red] Onions? [Kai] Yep [Red] Garlic? [Kai] Yep [Red] Okra? [Kai] Yep [Red] Beans? Peas? Eggs? [Kai] Sure [Red] Pig's feet? [Kai] Actually... [Red] FUCK YEAH! Potatoes, peppers, peaches, pears? Cabbage, corn, watermelon rind? [Kai] Some of those... [Red] Mushrooms, radishes, beets, asparagus? Ginger, grapes, lemons, limes? [Kai] RED! [Red] Sausage, pizza, haggis, chitterlings, sushi?! [Kai] Why the fuck would you pickle sushi?! [Red] I DON'T KNOW! I'M ASKING YOU! [Gang] PICKLE THAT SHIT! [Verse 3] [Red] Okay, hypothetically... [Kai] No [Red] You don't know what I'm gonna say [Kai] I know enough [Red] Nuts? [Kai] Food [Red] Shoes? [Kai] No [Red] Boots? [Kai] Same fucking... [Red] Screws? Bolts? [Kai] RED! [Red] Nuts AND bolts? [Kai] PUT THE HARDWARE DOWN! [Red] Coins, keys, phone, soap? Socks, rocks, batteries, Xbox? [Gang Vocals] NO! [Red] Lightning bolts?! [Kai] HOW WOULD YOU EVEN? [Gang] SCIENCE! [Red] CAN I PICKLE KYLE?! [Complete dropout] [Kyle] What? [Red] Nothing! [Kyle] WHAT DID YOU SAY?! [Red] NOTHING, KYLE! [Kyle] I HEARD MY NAME! [Band resumes] [Chorus] YOU CAN PICKLE FUCKING ANYTHING! (PICKLE THAT SHIT!) Vegetables, meat Apparently screws [Kai] NO! YOU CAN PICKLE FUCKING ANYTHING! (PICKLE THAT SHIT!) Put it in the brine Give that fucker time... [Kai] STOP TEACHING PEOPLE THIS! [Gang] PICKLE! PICKLE! PICKLE THAT SHIT! [Breakdown] [Kai] Okay, listen Right acidity Clean jars Actual recipes You can't just throw random shit in vinegar and leave it on a shelf [Red] Okay [Kai] You understand? [Red] Yeah [Pause] [Red] So... How much vinegar for Kyle? [Kyle] Why the fuck do you keep asking that?! [Red] Hypothetical! [Kyle] YOU HAVE A JAR WITH MY NAME ON IT! [Red] Unrelated [Kai] Why IS there a jar with his name on it? [Red] Stop asking questions [Bridge] VINEGAR! SALT! TIME! [Red] BRING ME THE CUCUMBERS! [Gang] THE CUCUMBERS! [Red] BRING ME THE ONIONS! [Gang] THE ONIONS! [Red] BRING ME THE GARLIC! [Gang] THE GARLIC! [Red] BRING ME... [Kai] NOT KYLE! [Red] I WASN'T! [Kyle] BULLSHIT! [Final Verse] [Red] Pickle the carrots, beans Peppers, collard greens Garlic, beets Whatever the fuck we eat Cabbage, rind That thing we found outside... [Kai] WHAT THING?! [Red] DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT! Eggs, pig feet Onions, sour and sweet [Red] Oh shit, wait! [Kai] What? [Red] Can you pickle a pickle? [Kai] It's already pickled [Red] Can you pickle it again? [Kai] Why? [Red] Double pickle [Kai] That's just a pickle in more brine [Red] Double pickle!! [Final Chorus] YOU CAN PICKLE FUCKING ANYTHING! (PICKLE THAT SHIT!) Throw it in a jar Already gone too far YOU CAN PICKLE FUCKING ANYTHING! (PICKLE THAT SHIT!) Vinegar, salt Apparently some rules... [Kai] THANK YOU! [Red] THAT I'M GONNA IGNORE! [Kai] GOD DAMMIT! PICKLE! PICKLE! PICKLE! PICKLE THAT SHIT! [Red] Hey, Kyle [Kyle] No [Red] I didn't even... [Kyle] NO! [Red] Kai? [Kai] Also no [Red] Fuck you guys... ...they're fucking good though
