# I HATE THE MAN I BECAME **[Intro]** *(Soft piano. Clean guitar underneath.)* I used to think the worst thing somebody could do to me was hurt me. Then I grew up... And realized I could become the person who hurts everybody else. *(Distorted guitar slowly rises.)* That's the part nobody warns you about. Sometimes... **Surviving the pain changes you.** And sometimes... You don't like what survives. --- **[Verse 1]** I look back at my life and I barely recognize it, Every choice that I made had a price attached beside it, I was trying to survive, I was angry and divided, Now I'm staring at the damage like, “Was I really the one who caused it?” I remember being younger, Thinking love was something simple, Never knowing every wound Could become another symbol. Every time somebody hurt me, I would swear I'd never do it, Then I'd grow a little colder And eventually walk through it. Built a wall around my heart, Then I blamed you for the distance, Turned protection into prison, Turned my anger into religion. I became what I resented, I became what I rejected, I became so fucking guarded That affection felt suspicious. I don't blame it all on trauma. That's too easy. That's a cop-out. I can explain why I became this... **But I still gotta own it.** --- **[Pre-Hook]** And I hate... What I see when I look back. All the bridges that I burned... All the people that I pushed back. Maybe I was trying to survive... Maybe I was fucking lost. But survival doesn't mean you get to ignore the cost. --- **[Hook]** # I HATE THE MAN I BECAME! I see the damage every time I look into his face. I hate the words I said, I hate the choices that I made, I hate the way I pushed away The people who stayed. I HATE THE MAN I BECAME! But I can't change yesterday. I can only take responsibility And find another way. If I became somebody That I never meant to be... **Then I'll become somebody That the old me couldn't see.** --- **[Verse 2]** *(Drums enter. Guitar grows heavier.)* I was defensive by default, Had a fortress for a heart, Every question felt like pressure, Every criticism felt like war. I would weaponize my silence, Use my anger like a shield, If I hurt before they hurt me Then I never had to feel. That's the logic I believed in. That's the bullshit that I fed. Till I realized all the people I was fighting weren't the threat. Sometimes it wasn't them. Sometimes it was me. Sometimes the enemy I hated Was the person underneath. I got comfortable with chaos, Started calling it familiar, Turned relationships to battlefields Then wondered why they feared me. I confused control with safety, Confused distance with protection, Confused being emotionally numb With having self-direction. I can name every excuse. I can list every mistake. But excuses don't erase the consequences they create. So I'm looking at the wreckage Without turning away. No more blaming every scar For the person that I became. --- **[Pre-Hook]** And I hate... What I see when I look back. All the bridges that I burned... All the people that I pushed back. Maybe I was trying to survive... Maybe I was fucking lost. But survival doesn't mean you get to ignore the cost. --- **[Hook]** # I HATE THE MAN I BECAME! I see the damage every time I look into his face. I hate the words I said, I hate the choices that I made, I hate the way I pushed away The people who stayed. I HATE THE MAN I BECAME! But I can't change yesterday. I can only take responsibility And find another way. If I became somebody That I never meant to be... **Then I'll become somebody That the old me couldn't see.** --- **[Verse 3: Technical Rap]** I got fragments of a fractured identity Scattered through the aftermath, Every chapter of the past Is another piece of evidence. I was trapped inside a pattern That I practiced till it happened, Then I blamed the fucking world For the person I was acting as. Reactive, defensive, aggressive, obsessive, Protecting the wounds that I never addressed, I turned every lesson into a weapon, Then wondered why nobody wanted to step in. I was reckless with affection, Careless with connections, Had a talent for destruction Then disguised it as protection. I could recognize rejection Before it even happened, So I'd sabotage the relationship And call it fucking instinct. That's sick. That's me. That's something I gotta face. I can't blame every broken piece On everybody else's mistakes. I was hurt. I was angry. I was lost. I was afraid. But I still had fucking choices Every step along the way. And the hardest thing to admit Is that some of my worst days Were days I made somebody else Feel exactly how I felt. **Now I finally understand why I hated myself.** --- **[Bridge]** *(Music nearly disappears.)* Maybe I don't hate the man I became... Maybe I hate that he became necessary. Maybe he was built to protect a younger version of me.
