Fuck Me Twice

The song that proves “No Choruses” lasted approximately one track. [Intro — obscenely cheerful handclaps, bubblegum guitar] EFF-YOU! Wait. [beat] Oh my God. EFF-YOU. ...You motherfuckers. [Verse I — sugary, bouncing pop-rock] Seven years wearing that stupid name, Seven years answering just the same, "FuFu, sweetheart! Hit your mark!" "FuFu, baby! Smile in the dark!" FuFu dolls and FuFu shoes, FuFu's Fabulous Breakfast Chews, FuFu backpacks, FuFu phones, FuFu branded broken bones! And every fucking interview: "Tell the viewers who are you?" I'd flash my teeth and strike my cue: "Hi, everybody! I'M FuFu!" [music abruptly stops] ...Hold on. Fu.Fu. [gasp] Oh, you have GOT to be fucking kidding me. [CHORUS — INSANELY CATCHY, MAXIMUM CORPORATE POP] 🎵 FuFu! 🎵 FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! Took me seven fucking years To figure out what FuFu means! 🎵 FuFu!🎵 FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! Put it on a lunchbox! Make it pink and baby blue! Smile for the camera! Wave to the crew! My whole fucking childhood Was named— FUCK YOU! [Children's-commercial-style backing vocals] EFF-YOU! EFF-YOU! [FuFu] Oh, fuck off. [Verse II — aggressively cheerful] Maybe it wasn't intentional. [spoken male corporate voice] "It absolutely was not." Oh, good! The corporation says we're fine! What an incredible surprise! They said the name tested great with boys, Easy to spell! Perfect for toys! Two cute syllables! Soft and sweet! Looks adorable printed on sheets! Nobody anywhere possibly knew What happens when you abbreviate— FUCK. YOU. [beat] Except every fourteen-year-old boy you were marketing me to. [silence] Ohhhhhhhhhh. You fucking knew. [CHORUS — BIGGER, DUMBER, WITH HORNS] 🎵 Fu-Fu! 🎵 FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! Seven years of merchandise And nobody gave me a clue! 🎵 FuFu!! 🎵 FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! Buy the shirt! Buy the doll! Buy the limited-edition shoes! [BACKING VOCALS] She's fierce! She's fun! She's number one! [FuFu] She's filing a fucking lawsuit When this song is done! 🎵 FuFu! 🎵 FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! Goddammit— IT'S REALLY CATCHY TOO! [Verse III — patronizing commercial jingle from Hell] [Ukulele enters] [nauseatingly sweet voice] Hi, kids! 🌸 Feeling sad? Buy a FuFu Friendship Pad! Feeling lonely? That's okay! There's a FuFu toy To make loneliness go away! Can't touch people? BUY SOME GLOVES! Childhood trauma? NO! BRANDED LOVE! Questions about your missing home? FuFu DELUXE TALKING PHONE! [phone voice] "YOU'RE DOING GREAT, FuFu!" [FUFU, normal voice] I will put that phone through a fucking wall. [crash] Thank you. [CHORUS — KEY CHANGE, BECAUSE OF COURSE] 🎵 FuFu!! 🎵 FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FuFu! Everybody! [BACKING VOCALS] FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FuFu! Parents! [BACKING VOCALS] FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FuFu! Kids! [BACKING VOCALS] FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FuFu! Marketing executives! [enormous stadium choir] FUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOU! [stop music, hold a beat] Wow. That was healing. [Verse IV — swaggering guitars, laughing through the anger] Here's the funny part: I'm keeping it. You don't get the fucking name back. You made FuFu something market-tested, Focus-grouped and shrink-wrapped. You stamped it on my childhood, Sold it everywhere you could. But somewhere between your cameras And me finally understanding— I became her. Not your FuFu. Mine. So I'll wear the ears. I'll wear the boots. I'll sing the stupid song. I'll take your cute little trademark And drag the fucker along. Because you gave me two letters You thought you fucking owned. Now every time somebody screams my name— Guess who's getting told? [drums building] Oh, everybody knows this part now. [FINAL CHORUS — ABSURD STADIUM POP EXPLOSION] 🎵FuFu!🎵 FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! Seven years too late, But now I finally got the clue! 🎵 FuFu!🎵 FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! You made it marketable— I MADE IT TRUE! Put it on my records! Paint it on my shoes! Every time you say my name I'm saying— FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! [Gang vocals] FuFu!! [FUFU] Louder! FuFu! [FUFU] Can't hear you! FuFu! [FUFU] One more time! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! [enormous final chord, applause] [FUFU — breathless, laughing] Well... There goes my whole "I don't write choruses" thing. [tiny corporate jingle] 🎵 Fu-Fu! 🎵 [FUFU] Oh, fuck you.