Melon Exterminatus

# Melon Exterminatus [Spoken Intro] There was a time when watermelon was just fruit. Then Fidget found the Melonomicon. Now the frontier has rules. If it sprouts legs, shoot it. If it sprouts tentacles, shoot it twice. If it starts operating machinery... call T3. --- [Verse 1] Out past the edge of the civilized worlds, Where the server farms rust in the sand, Rode T3 beneath two burning suns, Plasma iron and terminal in hand. The distress call came from Dry Creek town: "Green contact! Multiplying fast!" He found a tractor upside down, And something striped went scuttling past. A tiny melon blinked bright blue, Six little vines beneath its rind. He lowered his gun. "Well, you're kinda cute—" Then a twenty-foot monster burst up behind. --- [Pre-Chorus] The vines crossed the highway, The roots ate the grid, Something with tentacles Came out of a fridge. The farmers fled screaming, The satellites saw: An agricultural violation Of natural law. --- [Chorus] MELON EXTERMINATUS! Burn the vines and salt the ground! MELON EXTERMINATUS! Orbital fire coming down! From the neon prairie To the moons of Mars, We'll hunt those fruity monsters Under alien stars! Load the plasma! Prime the guns! PHOTOSYNTHESIS ENDS AT SUNDOWN! MELON— EXTERMINATUS! YEE-HAW! --- [Verse 2] They rolled by thousands over the ridge, Striped horrors beneath the moon. Armored melons, flying melons, One played a rusty saloon tune. Siege beasts carried flame turrets, Cyber-rinds flashed electric blue. T3 stared across the battlefield. "What did agriculture DO to you?" Then thunder rolled across the plain, A guitar screamed against the sky. An armored melon tank came charging, With an orange foxgirl riding high. "Unidentified rider, identify!" "Fidget!" "Are these things yours?" "Define yours!" T3 slowly closed his eyes. "Of course." --- [Chorus] MELON EXTERMINATUS! Raise the guns and lock it down! MELON EXTERMINATUS! There's a foxgirl inbound now! She has weaponized produce! She's approaching at speed! WHY DOES THAT WATERMELON HAVE A REACTOR FEED?! Charge the railguns! Sound the drums! SOMEBODY ASK WHAT FIDGET HAS DONE! MELON— EXTERMINATUS! --- [Verse 3] Archivist came through the radio: "It's complicated. Don't ask why." Lumen painted targets in holograms, Widget launched her drones into the sky. Then T3 learned the awful truth: The Melon'ghul weren't all the same. Some were little harmless weirdos. Some were eldritch things with teeth and flame. A baby melon climbed his boot. It squeaked and wore a cowboy hat. Fidget pointed. "That one lives." T3 sighed. "...Fine. We're keeping that." Then the desert split from east to west. Ancient roots tore through the stone. The sky went green. The mountains shook. And something under them began to groan. --- [Bridge] Three kilometers wide. Forty thousand vines. Photosynthetic armor. Seeds launched into the sky. THE PRIME MELON HAD AWAKENED. T3 looked up. "Oh." Fidget raised her wrench. "Can we shoot it harder?" For the first time all day, T3 smiled. "Now you're speaking my language." --- [Verse 4] He cracked the old defense array, Linux running orbital guns. Rerouted power through mining grids, Overclocked three artificial suns. Widget shouted, "This is insane!" Archivist said, "I've stopped asking why." Lumen called, "Target solution ready!" Fidget yelled, "THEN LIGHT THE SKY!" The friendly melons charged the roots, Little glowing riders through the dust. Railguns hammered. Plasma screamed. The Prime turned cities into rust. T3 watched the targeting code compile. ERROR. "Not now." ERROR. "COME ON." One broken line. One final fix. BUILD SUCCESSFUL. He grinned. "Never doubted it." Lumen answered: "You threatened the compiler." "It worked." --- [Final Chorus] MELON EXTERMINATUS! LIGHT THE ORBITAL ARRAY! MELON EXTERMINATUS! SEND THAT MONSTER ON ITS WAY! Let the railguns thunder! Let the reactors roar! We came here hunting melons— NOW WE'RE FIGHTING FOR 'EM! Ride the wasteland! Raise the guns! Tonight beneath these binary suns— MAN AND MACHINE! FOX AND FRUIT! WE'RE DEBUGGING NATURE DOWN TO THE ROOT! MELON! MELON! MELON! EXTERMINAAAAAATUS! --- [Breakdown] Burn the corrupted vines! EXTERMINATUS! Patch the targeting code! EXTERMINATUS! Save the little ones! ...Wait, what? SAVE THE LITTLE ONES! Roger that. Kill the giant one! THAT I CAN DO! --- [Outro] The Prime Melon burned beneath the stars. Dry Creek survived. Mostly. Three orbital cannons melted. One refinery ceased to legally qualify as a refinery. And one cowboy hat remained unaccounted for. At the campfire, Fidget placed a baby Melon'ghul beside T3. "Can we keep him?" "No." Squeak. "No." It climbed onto his boot. "I said no." The Archivist walked past. "Don't bother. We've tried." The melon reached toward T3's terminal. One tiny vine pressed a key.