TELEMAGICAL BIRTHDAY (Roach Birthday Metal — Roast / Tribe Cut) [Style: Chaos metal / metalcore / math-breakdowns / comedy-brutal with heart] [Tone: Dean Martin roast energy → Loyalty → Face-melt] [INTRO — spoken, deadpan] “Don’t ask about it.” (beat) …he asked anyway. [HIT — full band slam] ROACH. [VERSE 1 — Language Error 404] Said “I need dildos for my batteries”— bro, rewind, you meant the controller- but your mouth went feral-mind. Sentence sideways, grammar in shreds,[guitar bend] even autocorrect fears what comes out of your head. You make up words mid-thought, keep walking like law, reality buffering like, “did he just say that raw?” We’re all just staring while the timeline bends, you shrug and move on—no footnotes, no amends. [PRE-CHORUS] No filter. No brakes. No warning sign. You weaponize confusion every time. [CHORUS] DO NOT ASK ABOUT IT — YOU ASKED ANYWAY TELEMAGICAL BIRTHDAY — WE BROKE THE DAY KIND AT THE CORE BUT A GLITCH IN FORM ROACH IN THE ROOM IS A GODDAMN STORM [VERSE 2 — ARK, JUAN, AND THE WOLF APOCALYPSE] Leedsichthys? “Leedle-shmeedle,” say it with pride, Achatina? “Achoos.” Dimorphodon? You just lied. You don’t misread names—you rewrite the world, phonetic anarchy, dictionary hurled. We ride into raids, fully geared to the teeth, stomach growls… “I didn’t bring food,” you speak. Then you left your wolves breeding two whole days— server froze… ONE THOUSAND PUPPIES in a lagged-out haze. We made “the limit.” We built the pit. History marks where your chaos hit. And through it all, one legend ran— Chosen Juan, the chicken who outlived every stand. Last raid took him… the silence was loud. You yelled at the sky like the game disavowed. [PRE-CHORUS 2] No plan. No sense. No meta grind. You live in vibes and somehow we’re fine. [CHORUS] DO NOT ASK ABOUT IT — YOU ASKED ANYWAY TELEMAGICAL BIRTHDAY — WE BENT THE DAY LOYAL TO THE BONE, BUT A BUG IN THE STORM ROACH IN THE SYSTEM IS THE FINAL FORM [BREAKDOWN — MISTLANDS / POWER RANGERS MODE] NEED! POWER! RANGERS! METAL! MISTLANDS FOG? YOU LOSE YOUR MIND, BLAST THE THEME AND CHARGE BLIND. ROACH! ROACH! ROACH! BLOCK! OR! KILL! [VERSE 3 — RED DEAD, ROCKET LEAGUE, FORTNITE POVERTY] In Red Dead you don’t care how you won the fight, only how you look when you die in the light. No guns, no plan, just cinematic pride— “Yeah, I got shot… but I looked cool when I died.” Rocket League playbook: “Block or kill.” No rotation, no setup—pure Roach will. Every match a brawl, every goal a riot, strategy optional, violence diet. Still wants Fortnite like it’s glued to your soul, but the console’s old and the budget says “no.” So you rage on what you got, dreams still lit, limited hardware, unlimited Roach bullshit. [BRIDGE — THE REAL SHIT (HIDDEN IN THE ROAST)] You’re my white knight even when I didn’t ask, jump in swinging while I’m agreeing with the other side’s task. You’ll defend your point like it’s holy law, then go, “you know what… that’s fucking fair,” in crybaby awe. If there’s a ceasefire but I already fell, for you there is no peace—only vengeance in hell. You’ll sprint the whole map just to try revive, I say “you won’t make it,” you die… still alive. Left is right sometimes. Walking is optional. You’ll glitch-juggle down mountains like gravity’s negotiable. Fifty percent success. A hundred percent heart. That’s not a build—that’s who you are. [CHILI INTERLUDE — THE ONLY NAME DROP] Drunk on my couch, ate the whole damn pot, threw it all up, then cried on the spot: “Oh nooo… the chilliiii…” tears in your eyes— “Keeeeef’s chilliiii…” then you puked again, apologized. We laughed. We died. We still bring it up. That wasn’t a mess—that was friendship in a cup. [FINAL CHORUS — FULL RIOT] DO NOT ASK ABOUT IT — YOU ASKED ANYWAY TELEMAGICAL BIRTHDAY — WE TORCHED THE DAY NO SENSE, NO SCRIPT, NO SAFE CONFORM ROACH IS FAMILY — FINAL FORM [OUTRO — DEAN MARTIN ENERGY, METAL EDITION] ROACH! ROACH! ROACH! Chosen Juan forever. Pretty bites. Block or kill. Mispronounce the universe. Defend your people. Die trying to revive them. Laugh while it burns. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOU BEAUTIFUL PROBLEM. 🐀🔥
