[Cataract theatre, morning] [Nurse – female] Good morning, Mr Parker, keep your shirt and trousers on. We'll put this gown on over you and shortly we'll be gone. [Patient – older male in his seventies] I don't undress? [Nurse - female] Not at all. [Patient - older male in his seventies] This surgery gets better! [Nurse - female] Shoes stay on. [Patient - older male in his seventies] Marvellous. I'll write the Trust a letter. [Surgeon – male in his early forties] Good morning. Which eye are we doing? [Patient - older male in his seventies] Surely you should know. [Surgeon - male in his early forties] I do. [Patient - older male in his seventies] Then why are you asking? [Surgeon - male in his early forties] Welcome to the show. [Company] Check the name! Check the date! Check the lens! Don't speculate! Right eye? Left eye? Which will it be? [Patient - older male in his seventies] The LEFT eye, please— The right one's fine with me! [Nurse - female] Local anaesthetic drops. [Patient - older male in his seventies] No needle? [Nurse - female] Not today. [Patient - older male in his seventies] And I'll be wide awake? [Surgeon - male in his early forties] Unless you find my operating Exceptionally passé. [Company] SIGN IN! [Nurse - female] Name? [Patient - older male in his seventies] Parker. [Nurse - female] Date of birth? [Patient - older male in his seventies] Again? [Nurse - female] Again. [Patient - older male in his seventies] You've asked me four times. [Nurse - female] And you're still Mr Parker. Excellent. [Company] TIME OUT! [Everyone freezes] [Nurse - female] Patient confirmed? [Surgeon - male in his early forties] Confirmed. [Nurse - female] Procedure? [Surgeon - male in his early forties] Cataract. [Nurse - female] Side? [Surgeon - male in his early forties] Left. [Nurse - female] Lens? [Surgeon - male in his early forties] Confirmed. [Patient - older male in his seventies] Any chance we could check I'm still Mr Parker? [Nurse - female] Don't tempt me. [Music resumes] [Surgeon - male in his early forties] A little iodine, A sterile drape, A tiny opening here— [Patient - older male in his seventies] I can see a dazzling light. [Surgeon - male in his early forties] That's perfectly normal, dear. [Patient - older male in his seventies] Can I see what you're doing? [Surgeon - male in his early forties] Fortunately, no. [Patient - older male in his seventies] Can you see what you're doing? [Surgeon - male in his early forties] We certainly hope so. [Company] Phayko! Phayko! Ultrasound away! Cloudy lens departing, Brand-new lens today! Fold it! Load it! Gently through we go— [Patient - older male in his seventies] Is this really happening? [Nurse - female] You don't want to know. [Instrumental theatre dance break] [Surgeon - male in his early forties] Lens in position. [Nurse - female] Beautiful. [Patient - older male in his seventies] Already? [Surgeon - male in his early forties] Already. [Patient - older male in his seventies] I spent longer finding somewhere here to park. [Nurse - female] Everybody does. [Company] SIGN OUT! [Nurse - female] Procedure completed? [Surgeon - male in his early forties] Yes. [Nurse - female] Lens correct? [Surgeon - male in his early forties] Yes. [Nurse - female] Any problems? [Surgeon - male in his early forties] No. [Patient - older male in his seventies] Can I go? [Nurse - female] Not quite. [Patient - older male in his seventies] Of course. [Company] Check the name! Check the eye! Check the lens! Then check them all again! WHO says safety first, And frankly we agree— [Patient - older male in his seventies] But if somebody asks my date of birth Again, I'm eighty-three! [Final Company] Just the left eye, please! The cataract is gone! Own clothes underneath the gown, And nothing carried on! A drop, a drape, A dazzling light, A brand-new lens And clearer sight! At Birmingham and Midland Eye Centre— [Patient - older male in his seventies] Can I have my tea now? [Nurse - female] Yes. [Patient - older male in his seventies] Best checklist yet. [Button ending]
