Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 2025 edition… of the one, the only… Corrupt Football Pageant! Evening gowns made of hundred-dollar bills, Smile for the judges, boys, show ‘em T-V deals. BYU walks the stage, 11 and 1, lookin’ fine, But the crown’s sized for two-loss SEC valentine. Alabama stumbles in, mascara runnin’ from the rain, Still gets Miss Congeniality cause their logo slain. Miami twirls the baton, beat the girl they ranked higher, Judges whisper “head-to-head don’t matter when the brand’s on fire.” It ain’t about the scoreboard, baby, never was, never will, It’s who brings the ratings and whose daddy pays the bill. Welcome to the Corrupt Football Pageant! Where the swimsuit round is strength of schedule and the talent’s all rigged! Wave and grin, darlin’, while they fix the vote again, Twelve pretty contestants, but we all know who wins in the end! SEC sash, Big Ten crown, Dame’s the runner-up queen, Everybody else just clappin’ on the side of the screen. Yeah, it’s the Corrupt Football Pageant— Smile pretty for the machine! Alabama lost to FSU, still gets the evening-wear prize, Oklahoma’s talent portion was two losses in disguise. Indiana moonwalks in, never played nobody tough, But the Big Ten wrote the check, so judges call it “enough.” Miami beat the Irish in head to head flow, Notre Dame's ranked ahead—told ‘em “that’s just how the pageant goes.” Talent don’t matter, résumé’s a suggestion, Long as your conference bought the judges’ discretion. Welcome to the Corrupt Football Pageant! Where the swimsuit round is strength of schedule and the talent’s all rigged! Wave and grin, darlin’, while they fix the vote again, Twelve pretty contestants, but we all know who wins in the end! SEC sash, Big Ten crown, Dame’s the runner-up queen, Everybody else just clappin’ on the side of the screen. Yeah, it’s the Corrupt Football Pageant— Smile pretty for the machine! There she is… Miss SEC Bias, Walking down the runway with them two-loss eyes. There she is… your ideal! (Just don’t ask about the receipts, keep it real.) This ain’t a playoff, it’s the Corrupt Football Pageant! Crown’s pre-ordered, baby, shipped overnight to Atlanta! Turn on your TV, watch the fix go down in style, Same queens every year, same fake tears and crocodile smiles! SEC sash, Big Ten crown, Dame still just a pretty face, Rest of y’all just extras smilin’ in place. Yeah, it’s the Corrupt Football Pageant— And the judges own the stage! Wave bye-bye, BYU… better luck next lifetime. Pageant’s over, honey. Go home.
