[Intro – reverb-drenched surf guitar riff, rapid tremolo picking, sarcastic announcer] Stay calm! Stay tuned! Stay terrified! [Verse 1 – fast surf-punk groove, nasal sneer vocals] Drip-drop reverb in your head, Sunburnt dreams and sleepless dread. Breathe in peace, exhale control, Sign right here, we’ll take your soul. Smiley face says “You’re okay,” terms of use says “Exploit away.” You’re not sick, you’re just aware, Awareness doesn’t pay—beware! [Chorus – shout-along, beach-party-from-hell energy] Your anxiety is sponsored by— (HEY!) The vultures in Hawaiian shirts! Your anxiety is sponsored by— (HEY!) They sell the rash, then sell the cure [Verse 2 – surf riff walks upward, frantic pacing] Tidal wave of breaking news, Every headline meant to bruise. Breakfast with apocalypse, Orange juice and scary shit. Fear rides in on a longboard grin, Wipe out hard, then check back in. End-of-days but make it fun, Brought to you by Brand™ number. 1! [Chorus – repeated, backing vocals mock commercials] Your anxiety is sponsored by— (HEY!) Clickbait and a vicious lie Your anxiety is sponsored by— (HEY!) Relax! Consume! Obey! Don’t ask why! [Bridge – half-time surf stomp, spoken rant, dripping sarcasm] They took the noise of a broken world And blamed your brain for hearing it. Called it chemical, called it you, Never called the system sick. So smile wide for the camera, kid, Misery’s got a market share— If you’re drowning, don’t fight the tide, There’s a brand-new app ....please share! [Verse 3 – fastest section, classic surf-punk runaway feel] Ring-light gurus, bleach-blonde lies, Selling Zen in affiliate ties. Your trauma’s got a promo code, Healing shipped in bulk, prepaid mode. Therapy but make it cool, Five quick tips, don’t change the rules. Buy back calm you already own, Just keep paying till you’re gone! [Final Chorus – full-speed, chaotic gang vocals] Your anxiety is sponsored by— Beachfront greed and plastic smiles! Your anxiety is sponsored by— Surf the fear for endless miles! [Outro – abrupt stop, single surf guitar stab, shouted] Relax! Consume! Obey! Don’t ask why!
