Rocked To Sleep By Loneliness

[Verse 1] Phone sitting face-up, nothing lighting up, hours in the dark and I haven’t heard enough, not even a notification, not a name, not a buzz, funny how a whole room gets quieter when nobody comes. I talk to myself just to hear something back, answer my own questions like that’s normal now, every conversation happening inside of my head, while the people I remember keep becoming memories instead. I got things I could say, I just don’t know who to tell, every thought gets heavier when you carry it yourself. I could scream through the walls, but the walls don’t give a fuck, so I whisper to the ceiling ‘cause that’s all I fucking got. [Rapid Verse] Nobody knows when I’m awake, nobody asks if I’m okay, nobody notices the difference between my silence and my pain, I disappear for days and the world keeps its pace, then I show up like I never left with the same fucking face. I’ve gotten good at looking occupied, good at making loneliness look organized, headphones in, door closed, screen glowing in the night, scrolling through a thousand people while nobody’s by my side. Everybody’s connected, somehow I’m disconnected, watching everybody talk while I remain unmentioned, seeing photographs of moments I was never there to witness, then locking up my phone like I don’t care who I’m missing. [Verse 2] I miss having somebody who could tell when something changed, before I had to explain myself, before I had to say the pain. Now I could fall apart and put myself back together, and nobody would even know there was a storm in the weather. That’s the part that fucking hurts, not the silence, but the proof, that I could vanish from somebody’s life and leave no empty room. No questions at the doorway, no message asking where I went, just another conversation that eventually got left. I don’t need a crowded room, I don’t need a hundred friends, I just want one person who doesn’t disappear in the end. One voice that doesn’t feel temporary, one presence that stays real, someone I don’t have to perform for just to prove what I feel. [Rapid Fire] So I keep the television talking, keep the music running loud, keep some kind of fucking noise between my thoughts and the house, ‘cause silence gets specific when there’s nothing left to hide, every memory gets louder when there’s nobody outside. I laugh at shit I don’t find funny, say I’m good when I’m not, change the subject when somebody gets a little too close to the thought, then wonder why I’m lonely when I never let them in, build a fortress out of distance then complain about the walls within. Maybe that’s the cruelest part, I don’t know which side is worse, being terrified of being left or never letting someone close first. I want somebody near me, but I don’t trust what that requires, so I sit alone at night and wonder why I’m fucking tired. [Outro] Phone still face-up. Room still dark. No missed calls. No new messages. Just me, another night, another conversation I never got to have. And tomorrow it’ll probably look the same. That’s loneliness. Not being surrounded by nobody. Being surrounded by a life that has nobody in it you can actually reach.