Why

I wake up tired of my own voice, Tired of the same old choices, I say I’m done with the noise, Then I run back to it again. I hold my anger like a lover, Let it warm me when I’m colder, But every time I lean on it, It leave me weaker than before. I keep telling myself I’m healing, But I don’t feel different yet, I keep calling it “growth,” But it look like the same regret. Why I still try, When it keep breaking me down? Why I still hope, When it don’t stay around? Why I still pray, When I don’t hear no sound? Tell me what part of me Still believe in love now. I tried silence, I tried liquor, I tried laughter, I tried distance, I tried God when I was bitter, I tried running from my feelings. I tried being someone softer, I tried being someone colder, Every version of me still End up right back on this shoulder. I don’t know if I’m scared to change, Or scared I won’t survive it, I don’t know if I’m strong enough To live without my habits. Why I still try, When it keep breaking me down? Why I still hope, When it don’t stay around? Why I still pray, When I don’t hear no sound? Tell me what part of me Still believe in love now. Maybe I don’t want peace… I just want familiar pain. Maybe I don’t hate myself… I just don’t know how to change. Maybe I don’t love the struggle… I just don’t know who I am without it. Why I still try… When I’m losing my ground? Why I still care… When I’m worn all the way down? Why I still breathe… When I feel so bound? Tell me what part of me Still wanna stay around. I’m not healed. I’m not whole. I’m just here. And I don’t know… Why that’s enough But somehow… it is.