Enviro-mental (The Grand Tour S01E04)

[Intro] (Acoustic folk guitar strumming, birds chirping, then a heavy bassline bumps in) [Verse 1] The Whitby tent is frozen by the cold and salty breeze The boys are back on stage to talk of cars and trees The world is getting green, the politicians shout So the trio wants to find out what the eco-craze is about [Verse 2] But first, a real machine must conquer track and time The Porsche GT3 RS, a German engineering prime It’s bright and toxic orange, it cuts right through the air Jeremy is driving fast, with wind inside his hair [Verse 3] Four liters, non-turbo, the engine screams so high It feels like a racing car beneath the cloudy sky It’s wide and it is brutal, it grips the asphalt tight A masterpiece of metal, a petrolhead's delight [Verse 4] But now the challenge starts, the greenest race on earth They have to build three cars to show what wood is worth No steel and no plastic, only nature's own design On an old Land Rover chassis, they try to fix the line [Verse 5] Jeremy is clever, he thinks he has the knack He builds a body out of wicker, woven tight and black Then covers it in dizz, a mix of mud and straw The strangest looking vehicle that England ever saw [Verse 6] James May is more traditional, a builder of the old He uses solid bricks and clay to shield him from the cold His car is like a house, it weighs a million tons The suspension is collapsing before the engine runs [Verse 7] And Richard is the greenest, a gardener on wheels He uses living hedges to show how nature feels With moss upon the dashboard and grass upon the hood He drives a moving garden, just like a hobbit would [Verse 8] They start the eleven miles across the muddy land But nature starts to fight them, things get out of hand The rain begins to fall, the clay begins to melt The heavy weight of James's car is instantly felt [Verse 9] Jeremy's wicker body is shaking in the wind The mud is flying off it, his vision's getting blind And Richard has a problem, a very itchy nightmare A swarm of angry insects is flying through his hair [Verse 10] The living hedge is full of bugs, of bees and crawling things They bite the little Hamster, he screams from all the stings He tries to steering straight, but his hands are full of hives This eco-friendly challenge is ruining their lives [Verse 11] Then James gets stuck completely, his brick house is too deep The wheels are spinning blindly, the hill is way too steep The chassis bends and cracks beneath the heavy stone Captain Slow is left behind, crying all alone [Verse 12] Jeremy's car is breaking, the wicker splits in two A massive hole appears where the wind comes blowing through He looks like an old bird's nest that's falling from a tree The least aerodynamic thing you'll ever see [Verse 13] They reach a final river, the water's running wide They have to cross the stream to reach the other side But Richard’s grassy vehicle is starting to float away The current takes the hedge-car, it’s a terrible, bad day [Verse 14] The plants are getting soaked, the engine dies right there While Hammond sits and curses in total, deep despair Jeremy is laughing, his mud-car made it through Even though it’s broken, it did what it should do [Verse 15] Back inside the tent, they look at all the mess The eco-mental experiment was not a great success It turns out making cars from mud and bricks and weeds Does not fulfill the modern world's automotive needs [Verse 16] The Celebrity Brain Crash is rolling on the screen Jimmy Carr is next, the funniest we've seen He tries to ride a jet-ski, but crashes in the sea Another famous superstar who died for you and me [Verse 17] The fourth chapter is over, the green dreams are all dead They'll stick to steel and petrol and V8 noise instead The Grand Tour truck is packing, the Whitby stay is done On to the next adventure, chasing down the sun [Outro] (Acoustic guitar fades out, replaced by a sudden heavy punk rock drum smash and a distorted guitar chord)