Metabolism

"Create a funny Southern blues-rock song about a superstitious man named Dave from Corinth, Mississippi who blames the devil for stealing his metabolism and making him gain weight as he ages, Start with a cheesy radio station jingle for 'KZRD Lizard Radio: Crawlin’ Up Your Dial Since ’99', then a spoken-word DJ intro by 'Slicky Slickerson', Upbeat mid-tempo groove, slide guitar riffs, Hammond organ, driving drums, male vocal with gravelly Southern drawl, humorous and light-hearted tone, big chorus with backing vocals, "

[Verse 1]
Dave still irons his jeans with a perfect crease
Corduroy vest lookin’ sharp as you please
Back in the day he was turnin’ every head
Six-pack ripple showin’ under tight shirts of red
He’d jog five miles before the coffee got hot
Folks said “Boy, you’re built like a parking lot — solid!”
Now the mirror tells tales he don’t wanna hear
That young buck done turned into an old John Deere

[Chorus]
The devil done stole his metabolism
Unleashed fat cells that were once in prison
Killed and destroyed his will to fight
Midnight snacks, the night’s highlight

[Verse 2]
He tried every fad that the internet sells
Keto, Paleo, carnivore spells
Counted them points, drank the green goo by the jug
Sweated like a sinner in a revival hug
But one whiff of pizza or mama’s fried chicken
And Dave’s willpower starts straight-up quittin’
Doctor says “Son, it’s just Father Time”
But Dave swears he feels ol’ Scratch on his spine

[Chorus]
The devil done stole his metabolism
Unleashed fat cells that were once in prison
Killed and destroyed his will to fight
Midnight snacks, the night’s highlight

[Chorus – bigger, with backing vocals]
The devil done stole his metabolism
Unleashed fat cells that were once in prison
Killed and destroyed Dave’s will to fight
Midnight snacks, the night’s highlight

[Spoken Outro – DJ and Chicken Man together, music fades]
Alright Dave, listen up — it ain’t the devil, son.
It’s just mileage. Rings on the tree. Seasons ‘round the sun.
Me and the Chicken Man got elastic waistbands too, brother.
You’re not cursed — you’re seasoned. Vintage. Premium grade.
You went from speedboat to river barge, and that’s alright.
We love ya just the way you are — especially after second helpings.
Now let’s all meet down at the buffet and celebrate bein’ alive!
This is Slicky Slickerson and the Chicken Man… signin’ off from KZRD Lizard Radio.
Keep crawlin’, y’all.

2629/7500

[Spoken DJ Intro – laid-back Southern drawl, music fades in underneath] This is your host Slicky Slickerson, comin’ atcha live on KZRD Lizard Radio. We got a special guest in the studio today — Dave, straight outta Corinth, Mississippi. Now Dave’s a good ol’ boy, little bit superstitious, and he’s dead certain the devil himself done snuck in and stole his get up and go. His spunk is in the trunk. His workout is out of work. His energy is dropping faster than a possum playin’ dead on a four-lane highway. Well, after three counseling sessions with Dave and the Chicken Man, my poultry pal decided to write Dave's irrational conclusions into a song and ol Slicky is gonna sing it for ya! So buckle up, brother Dave— this one’s for you! [Verse 1] Dave still irons his jeans with a perfect crease Corduroy vest lookin’ sharp as you please Back in the day he was turnin’ every head Six-pack ripple showin’ under tight shirts of red He’d jog five miles before the coffee got hot Folks said “Boy, you’re built like a parking lot — solid!” Now the mirror tells tales he don’t wanna hear That young buck done turned into an old John Deere [Chorus] The devil done stole his metabolism Unleashed fat cells that were once in prison Killed and destroyed his will to fight Midnight snacks, the night’s highlight [Verse 2] He tried every fad that the internet sells Keto, Paleo, carnivore spells Counted them points, drank the green goo by the jug Sweated like a sinner in a revival hug But one whiff of pizza or mama’s fried chicken And Dave’s willpower starts straight-up quittin’ Doctor says “Son, it’s just Father Time” But Dave swears he feels ol’ Scratch on his spine [Chorus] The devil done stole his metabolism Unleashed fat cells that were once in prison Killed and destroyed his will to fight Midnight snacks, the night’s highlight [Chorus – bigger, with backing vocals] The devil done stole his metabolism Unleashed fat cells that were once in prison Killed and destroyed Dave’s will to fight Midnight snacks, the night’s highlight [Spoken Outro – DJ and Chicken Man together, music fades] Alright Dave, listen up — it ain’t the devil, son. It’s just mileage. Rings on the tree. Seasons ‘round the sun. Me and the Chicken Man got elastic waistbands too, brother. You’re not cursed — you’re seasoned. Vintage. Premium grade. You went from speedboat to river barge, and that’s alright. We love ya just the way you are — especially after second helpings. Now let’s all meet down at the buffet and celebrate bein’ alive! This is Slicky Slickerson and the Chicken Man… signin’ off from KZRD Lizard Radio. Keep crawlin’, y’all.

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