[intro verse] Well Dracula rose in his castle, Waking up from a very long nap, Mouth as dry as the earth, He was dying of thirst, Overdue for a crimson nightcap, But his wives watching True Blood were boring, Didn't fancy to join in the hunt, No they couldn't be arsed, And his minions were sparse, So with purpose he strode out the front, Now down in the town, at a restaurant, With black-iron pans sizz-l-ing, Well the wait staff in aprons, Took orders from patrons, To the head chef named Jeff, van, Helsing... His progenitors fearless and fearsome, Battled monsters, quite famously, Crafting crossbow wep-pins, Oh but Jeff wasn't them, Rather whip up a new recipe [chorus] Now Dracula's coming, Down, to the town, Feeding on passersby as he goes, Jeff's stirring while humming, Roux, 'til it's brown, Doesn't count, on the Count, he don't know , [verse] Drac drained a perplexed night patrolman, Jeff drained a glass of Pinot Noir, The Count fanged a felon, Jeff carved up a melon, Unaware that his outlook was dire, With a flurry the front doors flew open, Drac would prey on the diners toot suite On a pompous food critic, Count opine-d as he bit it, "Earthy copper, bland mouthfeel, no heat." Then he'd feast on the neck of a Karen, And a manager would she demand, "It tastes bitter and foul." Drac would say with a scowl, "Like stale pepper and salt but still bland." [chorus] A vicious arrival, Blood on the flan, Carnage any direction you look, Don't count on survival, Jeff stirs a pan, Doesn't even look up from his cook, [outro verse] A door dasher falls to Drac's gnashing, As he noshes, taps "No Tip" on screen, Bursts through those kitchen doors, And then Dracula roars, "A van Helsing, at last! What a scream!" Swishing sound of the kitchen doors closing, But they hear the Count boasting inside, "No Crossbow? Holy water? How the hell will you slaughter? Your forbears are ashamed as you hide." Not a sound from van Helsing but sizzling, Heavy flip, butter swirling around, The Count roaring with violence, Then suddenly, silence, Slow footsteps across tiled ground, The doors open, then Chef Jeff emerges, "Who ordered the Vamp a la carte?" The staff gasped, "How'd you do it!?" Jeff just shrugged, "Nothing to it. Sautéed garlic and steak to the heart."
