[Spoken Intro — Quiet, Grave, Almost Apologetic] I regret to inform you... I've been considering something. Looked at the numbers. Weighed the consequences. I think I'm ready. I'm starting an OnlyFans. [Verse 1 — Restrained, Serious] Bills are due, world's gone mad, Need a little extra cash. Got a phone, got a plan, Gonna be a working man. People might complain, Reputation's on the line. But dignity don't pay bills, Neither does my spare time. Thought about the consequences, Considered what they'll say. If strangers wanna pay to look, Who am I to turn away? [Pre-Chorus — Building] Got something they might wanna see, Something special, something free... Well, not free, gotta eat, Seven dollars gets you in with me! [Chorus — Massive, Dramatic] ONLYFANS! Taking the plunge tonight! ONLYFANS! Everything's gonna be alright! For them dolla bills, yo! I'll give you quite a show! Don't know if this will work, But God Almighty, here we go! [Verse 2 — The Reveal Begins] Went outside at half past nine, Neighbors closed their blinds. Pointed my phone up at the sky, Waited for the clouds to slide. Took eleven photographs, Every single one was bad. A glowing dot, a blurry stain, The worst damn pictures I've had. Tried to zoom, lost the focus, My phone lit up my face. Stood there fighting mosquitoes, For the future of the human race! [Pre-Chorus — Utterly Sincere] Some people pay for art, Some people pay for cars. But I've got something in my backyard, Just a quarter million miles afar! [Chorus — Full Band] ONLYFANS! Taking the plunge tonight! ONLYFANS! Everything's gonna be alright! For them dolla bills, yo! I'll give you quite a show! It's just the moon through my phone, But the subscribers don't need to know! [Instrumental — Ridiculously Emotional Guitar Solo] [Bridge — Slow Power Ballad, Almost Tearful] Sometimes she's barely showing, Sometimes she's almost gone. Sometimes I stand outside for hours, Clouds just linger on. Cannot promise perfect pictures. Cannot promise much at all. But when that moon comes shining through, I'll be there to take the call. [Soft Spoken] And for my premium subscribers... Occasionally... You'll get a full moon. [Pause] That's the whole thing. No, seriously. That's what I'm selling. [Final Chorus — Triumphant, Completely Earnest] ONLYFANS! Taking the plunge tonight! ONLYFANS! Got that moon in sight! No shame, no fear, My business plan is clear! Twelve blurry pictures every month, And a calendar once a year! ONLYFANS! Gonna make it on my own! ONLYFANS! Just a middle-aged man and his phone! [Outro — Music Fades, Spoken With Quiet Pride] I have three subscribers. One of them is me. Wanted to make sure it worked. [Final Guitar Note]
