[Verse 1] I’ve flashed the camera, front AND back, from behind the mother hens, Licked more lenses than I’ve tongued groomsmen. One time I lit the bride’s train with a Parliament While she posed beside a swan-boat. I’m in a hundred albums like a fungal ghost— Snarling, drunk, mid-eye-roll. [Chorus] White lace, puke face, dance floor doom, Dead peacock packed for the honeymoon. Crash the march, eat the dove, Snort confetti, spit on love. Matrimony makes me spew— I do. I undo. I defile the venue. [Verse 2] I've objected at twelve weddings and countin': “She's a lizard and he's a Republican!” “Marriage is an outdated institution!” One time I just stood, opened my gob, And hurled a geyser of whiskey and kabob— And what looked like a fuckin' corncob. [Chorus] Tulle veil, blood trail, sugar crash, Fistfight in the polaroid flash. Choke on vows, choke on cake, Leave the priest with a blue ball ache. Love’s a fraud but sex is true— I do. I undo. I defile the venue. [Verse 3] I've eaten plastic toppers off cakes mid-toast. Crunched them loud, disrupting their roasts. This one’s a scorcher—naked, I took my post, Burst from the cake, lust they can’t ignore. At one, I swung down my accur-sed claymore, Flattened six tiers to the floor. [Chorus] First kiss, last rites, shattered glass, Best man puking in the grass. Swapped the gifts, spiked the wine, Left a possum in the buffet line. 'Til death do us spew— I do. I undo. I defile the venue. [Verse 4] In a cloak room, a Bride's Dad gets a trouser kiss, Add Maid of Honor to the list. Dance floor, made a Best Man cream his pants with jizz. That counts. Another notch on the bed. Look at that guest list, a hundred head. Tally climbs. My legs are spread. [Bridge] “To the happy couple… may your joint bank account rot your financial plan... May your in-laws choke on shrimp… May you always remember… you paid thirty grand… For me… to do THIS!” [Final Chorus] Garter snap, uncle slapped, spilled perfume, Rode the florist in the ballroom. Pinched the cufflinks, fucked the band, Made the caterer lose command. Guests all stunned, night askew— I do. I undo. I defile the venue. “Oh my god. I caught the fuckin' bouquet.”
