# THE CAMPAIGN WENT TO HELL *Subtitle: A Nat 20 in Bad Decisions* [Intro — Jaunty lute, tavern chatter, dice rolling, cheerful fiddle] [DM — Spoken, dramatically] Gather round, adventurers! Tonight, a tale of peril and glory! Six brave souls must save Vallin's house From certain destruction! [Vallin — Spoken] "Wait... MY house?!" [DM] "Yes. Your house." [Vallin] "Why is it always MY FUCKING HOUSE?!" [Seras — Sweetly] "Hehehe... I have an idea." [DM — Nervously] "Oh, gods. Not again." [Verse 1 — Male Bard, lively rhythmic delivery] Six adventurers, gathered round, To save a house from burning down! Vallin brought the swords and shields, And maps of distant battlefields! Yashoku sharpened up his blade, Sukotto checked the plans they'd made, Purple smiled and rolled a die, While Seras gave a wicked sigh! [Seras — Spoken] "I cast Suggestion!" [DM] "On the enemy?" [Seras] "Nope! On Yashoku!" [Yashoku] "WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?!" [Pre-Chorus — Fiddle quickens, playful female harmonies] [Purple] "Oh, Yashoku, don't be shy!" [Sukotto] "We've heard the rumors, don't you lie!" [Seras] "Your search history tells quite a tale!" [Yashoku] "THAT'S PRIVATE! YOU CAN ALL GO TO HELL!" [Chorus — Full tavern ensemble, stomping rhythm] ROLL THE DICE! OH, WHAT THE HELL?! THE CAMPAIGN'S GONE OFF THE RAILS! WE CAME TO FIGHT, WE CAME TO SLAY, BUT SERAS THREW THE PLOT AWAY! TIE THE KNOT! RING THE BELL! THE DUNGEON MASTER'S NOT DOING WELL! NAT ONE WISDOM, NAT TWENTY CHARM, AND VALLIN'S HOUSE IS STILL IN HARM! [Verse 2 — Playful lute and bouncing fiddle] Yashoku tried to make a stand, But Purple had a cunning plan! Sukotto laughed, "Just roll to flee!" He rolled a one! "YOU'VE GOT TO BE—" Seras pulled a silken rope, The DM whispered, "There's still hope..." A chair appeared, then ribbons flew, And Yashoku cried, "WHAT DID I DO?!" [DM — Spoken] "Okay! Everybody! This is supposed to be a RESCUE MISSION!" [Purple] "We're rescuing him from boredom!" [Sukotto] "And his dignity!" [Seras] "Oh, that was gone years ago." [Yashoku] "I HATE THIS FUCKING PARTY!" [Verse 3 — Comedic musical break, lute plucking] Meanwhile, upon a velvet chair, Sat Vallin with a vacant stare, A bucket full of popcorn gold, Watching chaos now unfold! [Vallin — Spoken, chewing] "Best campaign we've ever had." [DM] "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAVE YOUR HOUSE!" [Vallin] "Looks like a personal problem." [SFX — LOUD PHONE ALARM] [Yashoku] "Oh shit! My shift! I gotta go!" [Seras] "Already?" [Yashoku] "YES! AND THANK THE GODS BELOW!" [SFX — Door slams] [Music abruptly stops] [DM — Whispering] "And then... the room went silent." [Purple] "So..." [Sukotto] "Who's next?" [Seras — Sweetly] "Valliiiiin~" [Vallin] "...Oh, fuck." [Chorus — Faster, more frantic] ROLL THE DICE! OH, WHAT THE HELL?! THE CAMPAIGN'S GONE OFF THE RAILS! THE WARRIOR FLED, THE KING'S IN FLIGHT, AND SERAS HAS A ROPE TONIGHT! RUN, VALLIN, RUN! DON'T LOOK BEHIND! THOSE THREE HAVE MISCHIEF ON THEIR MINDS! NAT ONE STEALTH AND NAT ONE SPEED, YOU'RE NOT THE HERO THAT WE NEED! [Verse 4 — Fast comedic chase music] He vaulted chairs and crossed the floor, He almost made it through the door! But Seras laughed and snapped her fingers, A binding spell around him lingered! Purple blocked the hallway there, Sukotto dragged another chair, And Seras grinned, "Your Majesty, You've failed your Dexterity!" [Vallin] "I'M THE SHADOW MONARCH, DAMMIT!" [DM] "Roll to escape!" [SFX — Dice clatter] [DM] "Natural one." [Vallin] "...I fucking quit." [Bridge — Harp glissando, music turns dramatically romantic] The next thing that our heroes knew, A bedroom came into their view! Vallin lay bound upon the bed, With royal dignity long dead! [Seras — Teasing] "Comfortable, Your Majesty?" [Vallin] "THIS IS NOT MY DESTINY!" [SFX — Door creaks open] [Erika — Spoken] "Hey, everyone! Sorry I'm late!" [Pause] [Erika] "...Why is Vallin tied to the bed?" [Purple] "Side quest!" [Sukotto] "Very important side quest!" [Seras] "Would you like to join?" [Erika — Laughing] "...You know what? Sure!" [Verse 5 — Mischievous fiddle, rising percussion] Then came a flash of black and red, As wicked plans filled every head! The girls revealed their latex gear, And Vallin whispered, "Gods, I fear..." Purple wore her violet shine, Sukotto's orange caught the light, Seras struck a teasing pose, And Erika joined the frightful show! [Vallin] "WHY ARE YOU ALL DRESSED LIKE THAT?!" [Seras] "Campaign equipment!" [Purple] "Standard adventuring gear!" [Sukotto] "Plus five intimidation!" [Erika] "And a bonus to charisma!" [DM — Shouting] "NONE OF THAT IS IN THE RULEBOOK!" [Final Chorus — Full ensemble, frantic tavern clapping] ROLL THE DICE! OH, WHAT THE HELL?! THE CAMPAIGN'S GONE OFF THE RAILS! NO DRAGON SLAIN, NO QUEST COMPLETE, JUST ONE POOR KING IN FULL RETREAT! NAT TWENTY CHAOS! NAT ONE SHAME! WE'VE COMPLETELY LOST THE GAME! THE HOUSE STILL STANDS, THE PLOT IS DEAD, AND VALLIN'S TIED UP ON HIS BED! [Outro — Abrupt record scratch, dead silence] [DM — Furious] "STOP! STOP! THAT'S ENOUGH!" [Seras] "What? We haven't even started!" [DM] "THIS IS A PUBLIC CAMPAIGN!" [Purple] "And?" [DM] "WE HAVE VIEWERS!" [Sukotto] "They're probably entertained!" [Erika] "I just got here!" [DM] "THE SESSION IS OVER! WE'RE GETTING DEMONETIZED!" [Vallin — Muffled] "CAN SOMEONE UNTIE ME?!" [Pause] [Seras] "...So, who's hungry?" [Erika] "Pizza?" [Purple] "Absolutely!" [Sukotto] "I'm starving!" [DM — Exhausted] "Fine. Dinner break." [Vallin] "HELLO?! STILL TIED UP!" [Seras — Sweetly] "Don't worry, Your Majesty. We'll save you a slice!" [Everyone — Bursting into laughter] [Final Bard — Sung, gentle lute] And so our tale concludes tonight, No monsters slain, no glorious fight. The house survived, though none knew how, The DM needs a strong drink now! [Everyone — Shouted] "BEST CAMPAIGN EVER!" [DM] "YOU'RE ALL BANNED!" [SFX — Dice roll, lute flourish, tavern laughter] [END]
