[Spoken Intro] Three men stood at the gate in a row, St. Peter licked his thumb, turned the pages slow. "I'll weigh what you've done and I'll weigh what it cost, but first, boys — tell me how each of you was lost." He looked at the first man. "Go ahead." [Spoken Verse 1] For most of a year I'd suspected my wife, so I came home at noon ready for strife. I searched that apartment, I searched every room, the closet, the pantry — nothing but a broom. Then I opened the door to the balcony air — a man gripped my railing in his underwear. I said not one word to him. I didn't linger. I got down on my knees and I went at his fingers. He held on. He cussed me. He started to yammer, so I went to the kitchen and came back with a hammer. He let go. Nine floors. I recall the whoosh — and he landed alive in a big green bush. Enraged, I rolled out the icebox — forgive me, Creator — and I dropped on that man my refrigerator. It killed him. And the strain of it killed me the same, and that, sir, is the sum of my claim. [Sung Chorus 1] Peter licked his pencil, and made his mark. Two thousand years he'd been minding that gate with nothing new coming through it yet. He turned to the next man. "Your story?" he asked. [Spoken Verse 2] It was a fine morning, a life without strife, no debts, no worries, not even a wife. I stepped out on the balcony to sweep out the room, and I tripped — I swear to you — over the broom. Over the rail I went, straight out into the air, but caught the one below, and hung in my underwear. A man came out. I thought: saved. But he didn't linger — he got down on his knees and he went at my fingers. I held on, I hollered, I started to yammer. He walked off, and he came back with a hammer. So I let go. Nine floors. I recall the whoosh — and I landed alive in a big green bush. I was lying there laughing, thanking the Creator, when out of the blue came a refrigerator. It killed me. Flat out. I don't know who's to blame, and that, sir, is the sum of my claim. [Sung Chorus 2] Peter set down his pencil. Peter looked up slow. "Say the part about the bush once more. The fingers. The hammer. The Frigidaire." Man number one felt the need to study the floor. [Sung Bridge] Peter turned to the third man, leaned in close. He'd not heard the like in all his long years. "Son," he said, "I need to hear this one." The third man cleared his throat and began. [Spoken Verse 3] Picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator.
