[Intro — Spoken, Deadpan] I’ve been doing this job since the beginning of time. Plagues? Handled ’em. Wars? Been there. The Black Death? Don’t even get me started. But these people nowadays? …I need a new career. [Verse 1] I used to reap the emperors, With solemn bells and prayer. Now Trevor straps six leaf blowers To his favorite rocking chair. He hollered, “WATCH ME FLY, BOYS!” Then crashed through Mrs. Green’s shed. I wrote “Gravity: Undefeated,” And shook my bony head. I checked my list, I checked it twice, I couldn’t comprehend. A thousand years of taking souls, And THIS is how they end?! [Pre-Chorus] Once they whispered, “Death is near!” Now all I hear is “HOLD MY BEER!” I hear those words from miles away, And cancel all my plans that day! [Chorus — Explosive, Theatrical] I’VE SEEN THINGS I CAN’T UNSEE! AND I DON’T EVEN HAVE EYES! I came for solemn last goodbyes, Not “WATCH ME JUGGLE KNIVES!” My scythe is working overtime! My patience has expired! If this is how you humans go, I WANT TO BE RETIRED! (HEY! HEY!) I’M DEATH, NOT YOUR BABYSITTER! (HEY! HEY!) AND I’M GETTING PRETTY BITTER! [Verse 2] At noon a man in chain mail Declared a goose his foe. He slipped right off the fishing pier, The goose just watched him go. It stole his helmet, claimed the dock, And honked its victory song. I looked at that ridiculous bird And asked, “WHAT WENT WRONG?!” At three a self-made wizard Waved a copper wand on high. He yelled, “I CONTROL THE WEATHER!” The lightning answered, “NICE TRY!” I stood beside the smoking boots, My clipboard in my hand. I said, “That’s not how magic works! HOW DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!” [Pre-Chorus] The kings once met me dressed in gold, With final speeches, brave and bold. Now everybody’s last request Is “FILM THIS! THIS’LL BE THE BEST!” [Chorus — Bigger, With Ghost Choir] I’VE SEEN THINGS I CAN’T UNSEE! AND I DON’T EVEN HAVE EYES! I came for solemn last goodbyes, Not “WATCH ME JUGGLE KNIVES!” My scythe is working overtime! My patience has expired! If this is how you humans go, I WANT TO BE RETIRED! (HEY! HEY!) I’M DEATH, NOT YOUR BABYSITTER! (HEY! HEY!) AND I’M GETTING PRETTY BITTER! [Verse 3 — Increasingly Frustrated] I marched to Human Resources At the Ministry of Fate. I said, “MY JOB’S BECOME A CIRCUS!” They said, “You’re twenty minutes late.” “I’m tired to the bone!” I told them. They said, “We thought you might.” I asked them for a holiday. They booked me Friday night. I said, “I’M DEAD TIRED!” They said, “Well, that’s expected.” I shouted, “HERE’S MY RESIGNATION!” They stamped it “REJECTED!” I threw my scythe across the room! I screamed, “THIS JOB’S A CURSE!” They said, “Calm down, you’re making a scene.” I yelled, “IT COULD BE WORSE?!” [Instrumental Break — Frantic Piano, Brass and Accordion] [Bridge — Slow, Overdramatic and Desperate] Maybe I’ll become a florist… A quiet life with plants. No paperwork, no crazy folks, No idiots taking chances. But every rose I touched turned gray, The tulips wilted too. I said, “Well, this is awkward. WHAT ELSE AM I TO DO?!” So I trained to be a safety coach, To save a soul a day. I taught them not to tempt their fate, To think before they play. They nodded, smiled, and thanked me, I thought, “At last! They care!” Then Gary raised a razor, yelling… “WATCH ME SHAVE THIS BEAR!” [Complete Musical Stop] [Spoken, Exhausted] …Gary. Please. It’s a grizzly. [Sound of an angry bear roaring] OH, FOR THE LOVE OF— [Final Chorus — Absolutely Unhinged] I’VE SEEN THINGS I CAN’T UNSEE! AND I DON’T EVEN HAVE EYES! I came for solemn last goodbyes, Not “WATCH ME JUGGLE KNIVES!” My scythe is working overtime! My patience has expired! I’ve filed my forms a thousand times! I WANT TO BE RETIRED! (HEY! HEY!) I’M DEATH, NOT YOUR BABYSITTER! (HEY! HEY!) AND I’M GETTING PRETTY BITTER! I’VE SEEN THE FALL OF EMPIRES! I’VE WATCHED THE AGES FLY! BUT NOTHING SCARES ME MORE THAN A MAN WHO YELLS, “WATCH THIS, GUYS!” [Outro — Music Gradually Slows] You know what? I’m done. I’m taking my vacation. No more paperwork. No more flying lawn furniture. No more geese. [Pause] …Wait. Is that the goose from the pier? [Long Pause] WHY IS IT DRIVING A FORKLIFT?! [Sound of a forklift reversing] [CRASH!] [Grim Reaper Screaming] I QUIT!!! [Ghost Choir, Cheerfully] YOU CAN’T! [Grim Reaper] I KNOOOOOOW! [One Final Honk] [End]
