Five-Dollar Chicken Apocalypse (Don't Open That Truck!)

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[Verse 1]
We found some free fence on Marketplace, thought we struck gold,
Then I saw five-dollar chickens, or so the ad had told.
I messaged the seller, "Buddy, is this deal for real?"
He said, "I'm going on vacation. I'll deliver the whole deal!"

I sent five bucks through Venmo, went off to work that day,
Came home and found a truck parked by my gate.
I backed it up, opened the doors, expecting eggs and clucks…
Instead, two hundred glowing eyes said, "BOY, YOU'RE OUTTA LUCK!"

[Pre-Chorus]
Red eyes glowing, feathers flying,
One huge chicken started eyeing…
ME!

[Chorus]
FIVE-DOLLAR CHICKENS! WHAT HAVE I DONE?
Bought me a bargain, got a horror show begun!
CLUCK-CLUCK, BOO-BOO, feathers in the air,
Possessed poultry running wild everywhere!

HEY! HEY! Don't let 'em in the house!
HEY! HEY! There's one chasing my spouse!
We wanted cheap eggs, now we're running for our lives,
Five-dollar chickens on a Halloween night!

[Verse 2]
Tricky saw the chickens and came running through the gate,
Like, "Oh boy, new friends! This is gonna be GREAT!"
Barney barked, Snickers joined, they charged into the fray,
Till one chicken turned and growled at them…
Those dogs RAN AWAY!

Three dogs went yelping, tails tucked underneath,
One chicken wore a cowboy hat and showed its monster teeth.
My wife yelled, "WAYNE! What did you buy?"
"FIVE BUCKS, HONEY! IT WAS A GREAT BUY!"

[Chorus]
FIVE-DOLLAR CHICKENS! WHAT HAVE I DONE?
Bought me a bargain, got a horror show begun!
CLUCK-CLUCK, BOO-BOO, feathers in the air,
Possessed poultry running wild everywhere!

HEY! HEY! Don't let 'em in the house!
HEY! HEY! There's one chasing my spouse!
We wanted cheap eggs, now we're running for our lives,
Five-dollar chickens on a Halloween night!

[Bridge – Spoken, playful]
Me: "Let's herd 'em back inside!"
Wife: "With WHAT? Your personality?"
Me: "Breadcrumbs?"
Wife: "THEY EAT NIGHTMARES!"

Me: "Here, chick-chick-chicken!"
Chickens: "CLUCK! CLUCK! CLUCK!"
Me: "Come on, little birdies!"
Chickens: "BAD LUCK! BAD LUCK!"

We grabbed the nets, we grabbed the bins,
One flew out, three snuck in!
My wife blocked left, I guarded right,
One stole my hat and started a fight!

[Breakdown]
Me: "I got one!"
Wife: "You got two!"
Me: "That's three!"
Wife: "THERE'S ONE ON YOUR SHOE!"

[Final Chorus – Big and rowdy]
FIVE-DOLLAR CHICKENS! THIS AIN'T NO JOKE!
THE WHOLE DARN YARD'S A FEATHERED SMOKE!
CLUCK-CLUCK, BOO-BOO, moonlight in their eyes,
Possessed little demons with a taste for human thighs!

HEY! HEY! Get 'em in the truck!
HEY! HEY! We're fresh outta luck!
We wanted cheap eggs, now we're fighting for our lives,
Manti's got a chicken problem on Halloween night!

[Outro – Spoken, exhausted male voice]
We slammed that door and locked those birds inside.
Called the seller twenty times…
No answer. No reply.

So we drove that truck to a deserted parking lot,
Put up a sign that said:
"DO NOT OPEN! NO MATTER WHAT!"

Well, we got home.
The dogs were hiding.
My wife wasn't talking to me.

And the eggs?

We ain't eating eggs again.

[One distant, demonic cluck]
"Five bucks… was it worth it?"

[End]

3322/7500

[Intro – Spoken, male country voice] We just moved to Manti, got a yard that's mighty grand. Eggs cost a fortune, so I found a cheaper plan! Five bucks for a truckload of chickens on Facebook? Honey, what could possibly go wrong? [Verse 1] We found some free fence on Marketplace, thought we struck gold, Then I saw five-dollar chickens, or so the ad had told. I messaged the seller, "Buddy, is this deal for real?" He said, "I'm going on vacation. I'll deliver the whole deal!" I sent five bucks through Venmo, went off to work that day, Came home and found a truck parked by my gate. I backed it up, opened the doors, expecting eggs and clucks… Instead, two hundred glowing eyes said, "BOY, YOU'RE OUTTA LUCK!" [Pre-Chorus] Red eyes glowing, feathers flying, One huge chicken started eyeing… ME! [Chorus] FIVE-DOLLAR CHICKENS! WHAT HAVE I DONE? Bought me a bargain, got a horror show begun! CLUCK-CLUCK, BOO-BOO, feathers in the air, Possessed poultry running wild everywhere! HEY! HEY! Don't let 'em in the house! HEY! HEY! There's one chasing my spouse! We wanted cheap eggs, now we're running for our lives, Five-dollar chickens on a Halloween night! [Verse 2] Tricky saw the chickens and came running through the gate, Like, "Oh boy, new friends! This is gonna be GREAT!" Barney barked, Snickers joined, they charged into the fray, Till one chicken turned and growled at them… Those dogs RAN AWAY! Three dogs went yelping, tails tucked underneath, One chicken wore a cowboy hat and showed its monster teeth. My wife yelled, "WAYNE! What did you buy?" "FIVE BUCKS, HONEY! IT WAS A GREAT BUY!" [Chorus] FIVE-DOLLAR CHICKENS! WHAT HAVE I DONE? Bought me a bargain, got a horror show begun! CLUCK-CLUCK, BOO-BOO, feathers in the air, Possessed poultry running wild everywhere! HEY! HEY! Don't let 'em in the house! HEY! HEY! There's one chasing my spouse! We wanted cheap eggs, now we're running for our lives, Five-dollar chickens on a Halloween night! [Bridge – Spoken, playful] Me: "Let's herd 'em back inside!" Wife: "With WHAT? Your personality?" Me: "Breadcrumbs?" Wife: "THEY EAT NIGHTMARES!" Me: "Here, chick-chick-chicken!" Chickens: "CLUCK! CLUCK! CLUCK!" Me: "Come on, little birdies!" Chickens: "BAD LUCK! BAD LUCK!" We grabbed the nets, we grabbed the bins, One flew out, three snuck in! My wife blocked left, I guarded right, One stole my hat and started a fight! [Breakdown] Me: "I got one!" Wife: "You got two!" Me: "That's three!" Wife: "THERE'S ONE ON YOUR SHOE!" [Final Chorus – Big and rowdy] FIVE-DOLLAR CHICKENS! THIS AIN'T NO JOKE! THE WHOLE DARN YARD'S A FEATHERED SMOKE! CLUCK-CLUCK, BOO-BOO, moonlight in their eyes, Possessed little demons with a taste for human thighs! HEY! HEY! Get 'em in the truck! HEY! HEY! We're fresh outta luck! We wanted cheap eggs, now we're fighting for our lives, Manti's got a chicken problem on Halloween night! [Outro – Spoken, exhausted male voice] We slammed that door and locked those birds inside. Called the seller twenty times… No answer. No reply. So we drove that truck to a deserted parking lot, Put up a sign that said: "DO NOT OPEN! NO MATTER WHAT!" Well, we got home. The dogs were hiding. My wife wasn't talking to me. And the eggs? We ain't eating eggs again. [One distant, demonic cluck] "Five bucks… was it worth it?" [End]

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