[SFX: fluorescent buzzing, distant coughs, shuffling papers] [Intro] [Spoken Announcer] Welcome back to… “American Vocal Destiny Superstar Idol Factor” Tonight… another brave soul enters the arena. [SFX: polite audience applause] [Judge 1] Alright buddy, what’s your name? [Contestant] My name is Gary Thunder. [Judge 2] …Okay. [Judge 3] And what will you be singing today? [Contestant] An original composition. It’s called… “Inside The Fire Of My Heart Tonight Forever.” [SFX: audience uncertain applause] [Verse 1] [Badly sung] Wooooaaahhh… I see your face Inside the moonlight pizza rain And every tiiiime My hamster cries I feel the thunder in my braaaainnn [SFX: awkward silence] [Judge 1] Okay. Gary. We’re gonna stop you there. [Contestant] No no no no the chorus is the best part. [Judge 2] I don’t think— [Contestant] Hit it, Trevor. [SFX: cheap Casio keyboard resumes] [Chorus] TONIIIIIGHT THE EAGLES OF DESTINY CRYYYY INSIIIIDE THE LASAGNA OF MY MIIIIND [SFX: audience laughing] [Judge 3] It’s a no from me. [Judge 1] That’s also gonna be a no from me. [Judge 2] Gary… respectfully… this is one of the worst things I’ve ever heard. [SFX: audience “oooh”] [Contestant] You haven’t heard the bridge. [SFX: drums kick in harder] [Bridge] WHISPERS OF TUESDAAAAY CIRCLES OF CHEEESE DANCING THROUGH THE PORTAL OF MY MEMORIIIEEESSS [Judge 1] Security? [Contestant] WAIT WAIT WAIT KEY CHANGE [SFX: abrupt modulation upwards] [Final Chorus] TOOOONIIIIIIIGHT THE EAGLES ARE BACK AGAINNNN FLYYYYYY THROUGH THE CANYONS OF MY HEAAART [SFX: audience clapping ironically] [Judge 2] Why is it getting bigger?! [Judge 3] Why are there backup singers now?! [SFX: sudden gospel choir joins] [Choir] LASAGNAAAA LASAGNAAAAA OF THE MIIIIIND [Contestant] YOU CAN’T SILENCE ART [Judge 1] Turn his mic off! [SFX: mic cuts briefly] [Contestant continues somehow louder] [Outro] [Overdramatic] AND IIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE… PIZZAAAAAAAAA [SFX: feedback squeal, audience cheering/laughing] [Spoken Announcer] Gary Thunder, everyone. [Judge 2] I quit.
