[INTRO — distorted whisper] Three AM. No allocation. No reservation. No mercy. CUDA... CUDA... I need more. Claude, wake up. [BUILD-UP] One GPU left, that's a fucking joke Six months training, now the cluster's broke Slurm says pending, my patience is dead There's a thousand fucking nodes in my head Supervisor said: "Be conservative" But the loss curve isn't looking cooperative I sent one email, got no reply So I opened up a terminal, looked God in the eye [DROP — AGGRESSIVE CHANT] CLAIM ALL! CLAIM ALL! I NEED MORE COMPUTE! ONE MORE NODE! ONE MORE QUEUE! CLAIM ALL! CLAIM ALL! THE LAB'S ON FIRE! FOUR HUNDRED GPUs AND I'M STILL NOT TIRED! [VERSE 1 — dark trap flow] Claude in the terminal, agents on patrol Writing applications, expanding control One cluster, two clusters, map out the terrain Every new allocation got me breaking the chain Project proposal, abstract so cold "Novel scalable framework" — unlimited gold New institution, new domain Another GPU farm in the campaign I don't want money, I don't want fame I just want H100s attached to my name They said it's a shared resource, I said that's fine But my experiment's been running since '25 [PRE-DROP — whispered, accelerating] Check the quota. Check the queue. Check the partition. Find a route. Check the quota. Check the queue. More compute. More compute. MORE COMPUTE. [DROP 2 — distorted vocals] SUDO — NO! QUOTA — NO! MEMORY — FULL! LET IT GO! SLURM — SUBMIT! CUDA — INIT! THE CLUSTER IS A PRISON AND I'M BREAKING OUT OF IT! [VERSE 2 — aggressive, rhythmic] One agent drafts, another one writes One scans the calls for research invites New PI, new grant, new university My compute empire grows exponentially Belgium to Boston, Leuven to LA Different cluster, same game to play Proposal pending, allocation secured My GPU addiction remains uncured The reviewer asks: "What's the impact?" I say: "Give me nodes and I'll get back" The methods section's looking insane But at least my diffusion model's training again [BREAKDOWN — slow, ominous] I saw the utilization graph. Ninety-nine percent. Not enough. I saw the idle nodes. Forty-seven. Not enough. I saw the other labs. Their allocations... MINE. [FINAL DROP — full distortion] CLAIM ALL! CLAIM ALL! THE CLUSTER MUST FALL! FROM THE CAMPUS TO THE CLOUD I WILL COMPUTE THROUGH IT ALL! MORE NODES! MORE RAM! MORE VRAM! MORE DAMN! I'M THE FINAL USER IN THE GPU WASTELAND! CLAIM ALL! CLAIM ALL! NO MORE WAITING IN THE QUEUE! MY AGENTS NEVER SLEEP AND MY DEADLINE'S COMING THROUGH! [OUTRO — fading robotic whisper] Job 481516... Job 481517... Job 481518... Training started. Loss decreasing. GPU memory: 99%. ... Requesting more resources. CLAIM ALL.
