[Verse 1] It started with a yoga class, seemed pretty chill Next thing I know, I’m chanting on a hill Drinking moon water, manifesting vibes Now my group chat’s talking ‘bout past lives The leader’s got sunglasses inside at night Says "Trust the process" while the check clears right They told me "Give up caffeine, let the toxins go!" Yeah, nah, I think I’m gonna keep my oat milk, though [Pre-Chorus] Oh no, oh no, I think I messed up They took my phone and now I can’t wake up Got a flower crown and a brand-new name Wait… when did I agree to this again? [Chorus] Oops, I joined a cult (oops) All I wanted was some inner peace Now I’m wearing white robes in the heat Somehow, I signed a contract in my sleep Oops, I joined a cult (whoops) Guess I gotta call my mom real fast ‘Cause my new “family” wants all my cash And my soulmate’s name is “Brother Vast” (?!) [Verse 2] Okay, deep breath, let’s retrace my steps Was it the self-help book? Or the TikTok thread? One minute I was looking for a juice cleanse hack Now I’m midway through a vow of silence pact They’re burning sage, singing in a drum circle I’m sitting here like “How is this my life, for real?” Someone whispered, "The stars aligned!" Nah, babe, this was a bad algorithm find [Pre-Chorus] Oh no, oh no, I think I messed up They took my phone and now I can’t wake up Got a flower crown and a brand-new name Wait… when did I agree to this again? [Chorus] Oops, I joined a cult (oops) All I wanted was some inner peace Now I’m wearing white robes in the heat Somehow, I signed a contract in my sleep Oops, I joined a cult (whoops) Guess I gotta call my mom real fast ‘Cause my new “family” wants all my cash And my soulmate’s name is “Brother Vast” (?!) [Bridge - spoken, deadpan] Wait, hold up, let’s assess: They’re obsessed with “energies” They don’t believe in western medicine They say the government controls our knees (????) Yeah, nah, I gotta get outta here (Beat cuts out, whispered, frantic) "Just play along, just play along—" "—OH MY GOD WHY ARE WE BURNING MY SHOES??" (Beat SLAMS BACK IN) [Final Chorus - FULL CHAOS MODE] Oops, I joined a cult (oops) Thought it was a book club, now I’m trapped All I wanted was to cleanse my past Now I’m chanting in a wheatgrass bath (?!) Oops, I joined a cult (whoops) Somebody PLEASE come pick me up I don’t do well with authority And I definitely don’t do group nudity [Outro - soft, eerie, fading out] Breathe in… breathe out… Let go of your worldly possessions… Wait— IS THAT MY WALLET??