'ShhhCrap' Song

[Verse 1] Well I strolled into the kitchen just around noon Craving tortilla chips and a spicy afternoon Opened up the fridge and near dropped my chaw Crawdads chillin’ with some ribs and grandma’s slaw I dug through the ketchup, the pickles, and jam Bumped into the mustard and knocked over the ham I said, “Where’s that dang salsa, for heaven’s sake!” Slippin’ and a-slidin’ on a leftover steak [Chorus] “Look at all this shhhcrap!” I barked with a snap Then I turned and saw my daughter with her apple in her lap She said, “You were gonna say shit, weren’t you, Dad?” And I facepalmed so hard it echoed real bad Now I’m stuck sayin’ "shhhcrap" and "son of a stick" 'Cause my little one’s catchin’ on quick [Verse 2] Later that week I was fixin’ the sink Dropped a wrench on my toe, turned my mood to the brink I hollered, “Oh for the love of—shhhbuttons and lace!” With a hop and a wobble and a red, throbbin’ face Then at the store, down in aisle nine Some fella cut me off in the self-checkout line I grumbled, “Motherfu—shhh...flapjacks and cream,” While my kid hummed along to my dad-cussin’ theme [Chorus] Yeah it’s all this shhhcrap, and "dang-nabbit-noodles" I’m improvisin’ swear words like a dad with no scruples She said, “Daddy, what's a ‘butt-nugget truck’?” I said, “Don’t repeat that! Oh shhh—uh...darn my luck!” Now I’m sayin’ “crudmuffin” and “cheese-on-a-stick” 'Cause my little girl’s learnin’ real quick [Bridge] I used to swear like a sailor with a stubbed toe Now I sound like a cartoon on a daytime show It’s “fiddlesticks,” “biscuits,” and “barnacle jam,” And “what the blueberry pancakes is this in the pan?!” [Verse 3] Then one night she prayed with a grin on her face “Dear God, help my dad not to curse in our place Let him say ‘shoot’ or ‘snap’ when he’s feelin’ mad And maybe don’t let him drop things on his hand” Well I chuckled and sniffled and wiped my eyes And made a little vow right there inside Now I breathe real deep when I wanna explode And my fridge is cleaner—no salsa overload [Final Chorus] No more shhhcrap, just a “whoopsie-daisy” I traded rage for hugs from my little lady She said, “You’re doin’ good, Daddy, I’m proud of you” And I said, “Well hot dog, that’ll do!” Now it’s “golly gee” and “snickerdoodle slick” And my daughter don’t cuss—ain’t that slick? [Outro] So if you're prone to cuss when you're in a fix Just remember the tale of my verbal tricks ‘Cause once you say "shhhcrap" in front of your kid You’ll regret every dirty word you ever did Yeah, this is my "ShhhCrap" song, true and real A folk-tuned journey with a dad who feels That cleanin’ up your mouth’s a mighty fine feat— Especially when your kid puts it on repeat.