Snor-B-Gone,

[Talking Narrator voice] Introducing Snor-B-Gone, the revolutionary cure for snoring that silences the midnight roar! Just one pill before bed, and your snores will be out the door. But, as with any miracle drug, there’s a teensy-tiny list of side effects you might encounter… Side effects may include: [Rapping] Nausea, hysteria, occasional amnesia, Heartburn, sunburn, lactose anemia. Sweaty palms, cold feet, sudden weight gain, A twitch in your eye and an ache in your brain. Flatulence, turbulence, hearing loss, gout, Your nose might whistle or randomly shout. Tooth pain, back strain, inexplicable chills, A craving for chalk and an aversion to bills. Chapped lips, knee slips, mild paranoia, An urge to sing opera in front of your employer. Red eyes, loose thighs, hair growing in patches, A smell like burnt toast whenever your foot scratches. Vertigo, vertigo (yes, it might double), Strange dreams of raccoons causing you trouble. Loss of balance, a taste for old shoes, And a tendency to believe in tabloid news. Clammy hands, elbows that sting, Random yodeling every spring. Hallucinations of owls in hats, And shadows hoarding your midnight snacks. Hiccups that sound like mating geese, Sudden affection for your neighbor’s niece. A craving for pickles dipped in brine, And overwhelming fear of airline wine. Tingling toes, patchy clothes, fleas that flirt, Believing your dishwasher’s feelings are hurt. Loss of socks and dreadlocks (weren’t even there!), Waking up sure you’re a billionaire. Liver spots, blood clots, a fondness for yarn, Believing your hamster’s a marine sergeant. Phantom itches, creaky joints, toes that squeak, Suspicion your fridge has learned to speak. Cold sweats, strange pets, walls that glow, And a gift for smelling colors like indigo. Lazy eye, loud sighs, addiction to pie, Or pondering if birds know how to lie. Split ends, earthquakes, hiccups that whistle, Compulsion to juggle dangerous thistles. Sweaty glands, spicy hands, a fondness for wax, Dreams of raccoons wielding battle-axes. Unibrow, chest pains, relentless moaning, Visions of walls sarcastically groaning. Bladder stalling, laughter fits, Dreams of dancing and free-falling. Sudden giggles that turn to screams, Waking up mid-monologue about beans. Hair that tingles, wrinkles that sting, The urge to write poetry in the spring. Excessive yawning, knees that creak, Thinking your chair is planning to speak. Hiccups that echo, cats that stare, And visions of koalas in rocking chairs. Finally—clogged drains, random pains, A love of polka and disdain for trains. But if you’re still snoring and feeling the sting, Try Snor-B-Gone, and let the weirdness begin!