(Verse 1) (Fast-talking, slick, and overly enthusiastic, with a hint of menace) Gather 'round, you civil servants, in our offices so grand, Got a deal, a steal, a once-in-a-lifetime helping hand! The winds of change are blowin', a new regime's in place, Let us guide you gently to a more... comfortable space. (Chorus) DERP-a-derp-derp, it's the orange handshake, see? Get paid to do nothing, just trust little ol' me! You'll be free as a bird, in a gilded cage, you'll agree, Just say "Resign" in an email, and leave the rest to me! (Verse 2) Performance standards rising? Accountability, they say? Why strive for all that greatness when you can fade away? We'll restructure, realign, make your position disappear, But don't you fret, my precious, your future's crystal clear! (Chorus) DERP-a-derp-derp, it's the orange handshake, see? Get paid to do nothing, just trust little ol' me! You'll be free as a bird, in a gilded cage, you'll agree, Just say "Resign" in an email, and leave the rest to me! (Bridge) (Slowing down, becoming more hypnotic and patronizing) Think of the freedom, darling, the blissful, idle days, No more stressful meetings, no more bureaucratic maze. Another job? Of course, dear, if that's your heart's desire, Just sign on the dotted line, and we'll set your soul on fire... with opportunity. (Chorus) DERP-a-derp-derp, it's the orange handshake, see? Get paid to do nothing, just trust little ol' me! You'll be free as a bird, in a gilded cage, you'll agree, Just say "Resign" in an email, and leave the rest to me! (Verse 3) (Back to fast and slick, with a threatening edge) Don't overthink it, lazy govie, this offer won't last long, February 6th is the deadline, so play along, sing our song! Just reply to this email, "Resign" is all you need to write, And we'll handle all the details, make your future oh so bright! (Outro) DERP-a-derp-derp, leave it all behind, A carefree future's waiting, one of a special kind! DERP-a-derp-derp, it's a win-win, don't you see? Now hurry up and sign, and give the government to me!