I consult the ancient scrolls of calculations, the prophecies foretold in damage numbers… >[Gasps dramatically] And what horror do my eyes behold?! A travesty! A grave injustice! Ten thousand percent less damage?! >[Clutches chest] Ten. Thousand. Percent. Less. If I do not possess the the fabled champion of the Outer Ring… Lighter?! >[Falls to knees] This is an outrage! A cosmic catastrophe! A betrayal of epic proportions! I am teetering on the precipice of quitting this digital entertainment media forever! My very being trembles! >[Wipes a nonexistent tear] I may never recover from this devastating blow! Before the inevitable chorus of "Qingyi cope" rises like a spectral choir… >[Raises a trembling hand] I pronounce! They are of separate elements! Distinct entities! Even the all-knowing, the omniscient Jstern himself has proclaimed that Qingyi’s calculations, while dazzling on paper, fail to capture the cold, harsh reality! >[Whispers dramatically] He has uttered the dreaded words… "Skip Evelyn." He has branded her… >[Voice cracks] Whalebait! A siren’s call to the deepest pockets of the most affluent players! My soul is rent asunder! I am utterly devastated! Heartbroken! Shattered into a thousand pieces! >[Stands abruptly, pointing a finger to the heavens] Why?! Oh, cruel fate! Why have the capricious gods of this game bound the one character I adore, the single beacon of hope in this digital wasteland, to this… this utterly unremarkable NPC?! And rendered her, my beloved Evelyn, practically useless without him?! >[Sinks into a nearby chair, head in hands] This is a tragedy of an unprecedented scale! A mockery of everything I hold dear! I am descending into an abyss of despair! >[Looks up with wide, pleading eyes] Farewell, cruel world! Farewell, Evelyn, my lost love! >[Throws a hand dramatically across forehead and lets it fall limply to the side]
