Good evening folks! It's hot enough to melt an ice cube! That Michael Jackson had more moves than a frozen mammoth, I get texting. I even get texting while walking. What I don't get is, texting while eating a sandwhich. There's nothing that lights up a broom closet quite like a flashlight Wikipedia was a great idea, but I doubt I'll have time to finish reading it Clouds are like marshmallows. Or is it marshmallows are like clouds? Somebody straighten me out on this! Best thing about a heat wave is the money I save shining my sandals instead of my shoes My kids complain I'm inflexible. So I tried yoga -- turns out they're right! Canada - now there's a big place. Gotta wonder how they keep it shoveled. Amazing There's nothing quite like direct sunlight for drying up a puddle. Just sayin If God didn't want us to drink water at a range of stable temperatures -- why did he invent the Thermos? I'm like a piñata: Beat me with a stick and I spill my guts every time. Wheelchairs blow my mind. What's next, rollercouches? I haven't watched TV in a while. Boycotting until Arsenio marries Oprah like the Bible predicts. Imagine how much gold is in the Ocean. This is why I'm gonna marry a mermaid. They are LOADED. Tired of eating with a fork. I miss the old days when servants would fire bread into your mouth with a slingshot. What's brown and tastes awful? Answer: Unripened blueberries! If you could drown in smiles, I'd be the wettest man alive! Except I'd be dead. Makes you think. I can't keep up with technology. Especially claymation. Which one's Wallace and which was Grommit? Whoever invented solar power was on a roll that day. I just drank a beer. Guess I'm getting a divorce! Slugs are gross, lucky you can see em coming. Ever drink too much wine and suddenly you are PLAYING CHESS with the first guy to walk into Starbucks? We have been seeing far too many celebrity nipples in the news. Now excuse me while I go tickle a light-switch You say we need flying cars? I say we need more underground parking for airplanes. Since we're destroying all life on the planet anyway, can we move horseflies to the top of the list? my neck is all bloody. Just put honey on my broccoli for the first time #yolo Hmm, I just realized how many people there are. Hope they are ready to FILL MY POCKETS WITH GOLD! just sayin If I played the tuba, I would check inside it daily for raccoons. common sense precautions Why is there no emoticon for handshakes? The last time I drank blood out of a human skull, the 'skull' was a mug and the blood was 'coffee' Hashtag Vampire Analogies. I LOVE old people. Their skin is so loose. Which is handy when you forgot your napkin Beautiful day today. Great for drying out wet towels. I have a drinking problem: I can't find a straw for my chillatte! seriously, folks. Politics is dumb: Leftwing vs Rightwing? Forget it-You Need 2 Wings to Fly! And a jet engine. Or, a rotating blade. Or a massive slingshot